Sygnet

Happy Valentines Day!

2012-02-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

Love,

Miss Ava Leigh

But First...

2012-02-09T15:36:00.001-07:00

Let's have a baby update. :)

Ava has been sleeping in her crib for a little over a week. For the most part this has been a great transition. She sleeps better. I sleep better. And Matt...well Matt is currently sleeping worse as he readjusts to sharing a bed again. She still gets up usually once a night to eat. Occasionally twice and occasionally not at all.

Sleeping Beauty


Hi Mom!

Yes, Ava does sleep on her belly. She sleeps longer and far more soundly that way. She has excellent neck strength and a very firm mattress, so I'm not worried about her suffocating. She did have a MAJOR blowout in her crib while Matt was watching her the other day. Poop all up her front and back and all over her hands. I'm just thankful she didn't try to eat it! Btw, anyone else put their kid on their stomachs notice that diapers don't seem to hold pee as well that way? We've had several days this past week where her whole front is covered in pee when we get her in the mornings.

Before bed we have a little routine where we read a book, and then I turn off the lights in her room and sing songs while she lays her head on my shoulder. It's very sweet. Speaking of books, Ava LOVES her books. She just stares at the pictures and gets this fascinated look on her face. Precious.

Ooo, Pretty Pictures

And Oh So Tasty

So, things are going well. We just adore our little squirt. Her latest thing is watching our every move when we eat. I almost feel bad eating in front of her anymore. Looks like it might be time to try a little baby cereal!

Please Don't Push My Buttons

2012-02-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that immediately get my riles up.

1. Misunderstandings about homeopathic medicine, herbs, oils, etc.
2. The arrogance of photographers.
3. The FDA (probably related to the first...)

I try to just NOT let these things bother me. But for some reason something swells up in me that can hardly be contained when it comes to these topics. I get mad. I get sassy. To help myself get some of that negative energy out, I'm going to be blogging about the first two, probably several posts for the first. I'm not blogging about the FDA because they are just generally corrupt and I think researching it more would just serve to make me more angry.

My Loves

2012-02-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

I LOVE these two. Love, love, love, love LOVE. :)

My Little Bug and Other News

2012-01-18T14:01:00.001-07:00

I only have one new picture. We lost our camera for a while and I just found it two days ago, so more pictures are coming, but we had a few weeks with none at all. This one my sister actually took while she was babysitting.

Oh, so much to tell, so I think I'll just ramble. Ava gets more and more darling with every day. I just love, love, LOVE her! In looking at many baby pictures, she actually does look like me as a baby when she's in full grin...I should do a side by side for y'all sometime. But she probably mostly looks like Matt's little sister. The face shape is different, but all the little facial features are the same: Her pretty, big almond shaped eyes, delicate nose, and precious little lips. Ah, I could just eat her! And she's still so cuddly too - at night if I move away from her in the bed at all, she just scooches over until she's right up next to me again. (Probably just likes to be warm...but whatever, I love it.)

The last month or so she hasn't slept as well - getting up 2 or 3 times a night to eat. (Can you tell that she's chunked out a bit?!) But things are getting better there - last night she was up only once. Oh, btw, she LOVES Brahms Lullaby - I sing it to her all the time, using my own words of course. :) The breastfeeding battle is over. I was taking Fenugreek to keep my supply up (to about half her daily needs), but then I ran out of the herb, and in the 2 1/2 days it took me to get some more, I dried up almost completely. Sad, so super sad. I loved breastfeeding too. So now she's totally on formula - Nutramigen - super expensive fully-hydrolyzed stuff. Costs us about $10 a day to feed her - seriously. But, if it somehow keeps her from getting diabetes, it will be well worth it. (If you're interested, http://trigr.epi.usf.edu/about.html).

Matt was just recently diagnosed with thyroid disease on top of his diabetes. He's now on meds and doing somewhat better. His adventures at BYU have fallen flat on their face however and he'll be back at UVU in May to finish up his degree. Which is probably where he should have stayed in the first place - I blame this entirely on myself. I wanted him at BYU so I made it happen and it just wasn't the right path. We'll have to pay tuition at UVU, but it's probably the most cost effective choice in the long run. Anyway, since he's not in school this semester, he'll be staying home with Ava on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He'll start doing that next week. I think he's excited about it. Ava and Daddy love to play together. :)

Being a mom is the best thing ever. It stinks that I have to work full time, but we'll just get through it; it won't last forever. I already want more kids. If I wasn't working, we'd already be trying for another, but alas, that time is not now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling like we're SUPPOSED to have more kids right this second, but I can feel that there are others waiting. And that makes me happy and anxious to have them...when the time is right. It'll be interesting to see if that "right" time comes before we're logistically ready. That boys and girls, would take some faith! Oh, but we have already named our next two children. They're both boys: Andrew Glen Gardiner and Christopher Adam Gardiner. How do I know they're both boys? I don't. But after those two boys we're having another little girl whom we haven't named yet. ;)

Okay, that's enough rambling for now. More later.

Jibber Jabber

2012-01-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

My dad sent me this little clip of Ava yapping. It's not really anything, but of course I think it's cute. :)

Bringing Out the Thankful

2011-12-28T00:54:00.001-07:00

I've been somewhat depressed the last few days, maybe weeks, I'm really not sure. It's now progressed to the point that I'm not sleeping well. I thought it might do my heart good to list a few things I'm thankful for; things that make life seem happy. At least if on paper.

#1: Ava. My darling daughter. She is the light of my every day. I adore her completely. She has such a sweet disposition and she just melts my heart. Some ppl say I'm a bad parent for letting her sleep with me, but I don't care. Since I'm away from her at work all day, I want and need that time we have together. Sometimes I just lay there and stare at her lovely little face and occasionally in the midst of her slumber she'll reach up and rest her little hand on my cheek and without fail all the world seems a better place.

#2: Money. We don't have a lot of it, but we have enough of it that I don't have to wonder how I'm going to pay our bills. There have been periods of my life where I have lived in the terror and constant worry of not having enough and I know that for many that is presently an every day reality. So, I can lose a $50 gift card for clothes that I really do need, and while I'm sad, there's a part of me that hopes that whoever found it needed it more than I do. And I can be ok with that instead of devastated.

#3: 117. That's what I weigh right now. I'm amazed at how I still kinda hate my body, but I can put on ONE outfit in the morning and look in the mirror and say, Meh, whatever, that's fine. Being fat is a huge stressor that I'm glad not to be currently burdened with. My heart goes out to those that struggle with their self image. I've been there. There sucks.

#4: My Mom. She loves me. I know she thinks I'm absolutely ridiculous at times and while I may get the occasional dirty look, I'll never doubt her love for me. Her selflessness blows my mind. If my back hurts, she rubs it. If I'm hungry, she makes me food. If I'm stranded, she offers a ride. When I call her, she answers. If I want a piece of her clothing/her pillow/her costly vitamins she gives them to me. All with a hug and a smile on her face, regardless of what comforts it may have cost her. I wish I were more like her.

I do have a lot. Too much to list here. But now I at least have these four pillars here to read over and over if I need to combat my negativity. And I don't mean to imply that one cant be happy being childless or poor or overweight or parentless. In life we all have some things and have not others. And for this moment I've focused on things I have rather than what I have not. Something to put a smile on my face; a reminder of how richly blessed I am.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T22:12:00.001-07:00

Wishing all our family and friends a very Merry Christmas. Loves and hugs to all!

Love,

Matthew, Morgan, and Ava

Things That Shoot

2011-12-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

My brother and SIL just bought a nice DSLR camera and it has me crazy with lust for one. When we bought a P&S right after Ava was born we had decided not to get a DSLR because they were just too dang expensive and neither one of us is really into photography enough to be able to take advantage of one. Neither one of those things have changed. Matter of fact, neither of us have bothered to figure out how to best use the Nikon we got. And the pictures we take are okay. Well, the DSLR pics my SIL took of Ava the other day are gorgeous, and she doesn't really know what she's doing either! Even an amateur can take amazing pics with a DSLR. And so I want one. But I am still having difficulty rationalizing the price tag. Yet how can you put a price tag on pictures of your children?! Ugh, I'm just so torn. Here are some of the shots...not perfect, but way better than stuff I take.

For Christmas I wanted to surprise Matt with a handgun. When we got married we said that once we had a house and a kid, we'd get either a dog or a gun. Ya, know just a security measure. Well, I'm still not ready for a dog. After a bit of research, I decided that I shouldn't be the one picking out the guy's first gun - he needed to hold them and figure out what would work best for him. So, on December 1st while we were on a date, I let him in on his Christmas surprise. He was a bit in disbelief at first, but over the past few weeks his excitement has really started to build. He's been checking them out and just two nights ago, bought this:

It's a Smith and Wesson M&P40. I didn't really give him a budget cause I really wanted him to have whatever was going to work best for him. Thankfully, this one actually wasn't too terribly pricey so far as guns go. I can't handle it too well, but I'm sure I'll get better. Matt shot guns a lot growing up, so he knows what he's doing and is SO elated to have one of his own. I told him I expected him to practice at least monthly; he doesn't seem to have any qualms with that. I think this gets me 'good wife' points. :)

Ava's Blessing

2011-11-14T12:19:00.004-07:00

The Sunday before last, we blessed Ava in church. I wasn't really stressed out about it. Blessing a baby takes about 2 minutes and has very little pomp - no big deal. WELL, lemme give ya the run-down of the highlights of the day:

-Matt's parents travel from St. George to attend the blessing. Wanting to treat them well as Glenis always has done for us, I prepared a huge breakfast with bratwurst, eggs, blueberry muffins and fresh fruit...ON FAST SUNDAY!!! What an idiot...

-The night before, I sent a reminder to everyone we had invited and gave them the address to the church. Except it was NOT the address of our church. At 1pm when sacrament meeting started no one was there except us and Matt's family staying with us. Long story short, everyone made it, except my brother...sad. :(

-In a ward with a bazillion kids, you'd think they'd have learned how to work the mic for a baby blessing. But no, they have this little bitty deacon trying to hold the mic up to Matt's mouth. Aside from hitting Matt in the face with it multiple times throughout the blessing, the congregation (myself included) could hardly hear anything. I had to ask Matt afterwards what he had said. Doesn't every other ward in the world have a grown priest holding that mic?! (Update: There was another baby blessing yesterday, and everything was loud and clear...just my luck I guess.)

- (And the worst one): After talking with my family for a bit Matt and I walked to the back of the church where his family had congregated. Everyone wants to come over to our house. Okay, fine by me. Our house is small, but we'll all be fine for a sec. I had made a cake and thought we could have some of that and all would be great. Well, we get to the house and it becomes apparent that everyone in Matt's family was expecting us to provide lunch for them!!!! I had NOTHING I could pull together and I felt SO HUMILIATED. Absolutely one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. I tried to just hold it together, but I ended up running up the stairs and hiding in Ava's closet and bawling. How was I supposed to know this was expected of me? And while I was ready to be like, TDB, have some cake, Matt's dad offered to go to KFC and get lunch for everyone - on Sunday. Which made me realize serving these people lunch was super important. So, Matt and his dad went to Walmart and got stuff to make hoagies for the crowd of 22 people. While they were gone, I pulled myself together, fixed my makeup and came back downstairs. When they returned, Craig and Glenis (Matt's parents) assembled the sandwiches and got everyone fed. Again, humiliating, but I was also super thankful because at that point I was too emotionally drained to do anything. We were supposed to go to my parent's house after that, but it didn't happen. I was just wasted. At least now, I'll know for next time.

*SIGH* It's all good. Things like this just happen in life. I think Satan tries his hardest to take the sweet, simple things in life and make them anything but. The blessing Matt gave Ava WAS very sweet. My favorite parts were that he blessed her to follow the Spirit when she was tempted to "follow the crowd" and that she would gain a testimony of Jesus Christ at a very young age. I couldn't have asked for better blessings for my precious little Girlbaby. And we got some pretty cute pics out of it if you ask me!

While She's Sleeping...

2011-10-22T23:37:00.000-06:00

I'm bad at blogging. I'm bad at getting my house decorated. I'm bad at cooking. I'm bad at thanking people sufficiently for the things they do for me. I'm bad at nurturing my spirituality. I'm lazy and I nag my husband all the time.

Had to get all that out - just so everyone knows what to expect of me. I'm not depressed, though perhaps I should be right?! Lol. I know I've blogged before about my distress over not getting everything done that I want to, but I seriously have this constant guilt over the above (and other) shortcomings.

I really have nothing more to say on that note.

So, since I last blogged...I'm ALMOST healed from childbirth! Like, so close to being back to normal. For those of you who didn't hear, I had to have a D&C a couple of weeks ago. There was placental tissue left in the uterus and I had started to bleed a lot again. (We assume there was ANOTHER smaller placenta because the first one that came out seemed to be complete and the surgeon said there was a ton of tissue in there). There was some concern before the surgery that the placenta had grown into my uterus and there was a chance I could lose it (the uterus). I tried not to let that stress me out and felt pretty trusting of the Lord. However, in the same breath, I must tell you that for reasons I don't understand, I was seriously scared I was going to die on the operating table. A D&C is a minor surgery, but it's still done in the hospital under general anesthesia and my case was somewhat complicated. I just had this feeling that I wasn't going to make it and I was really struggling to cope with that. I'm obviously still here. :) I think my irrational fears were coming from a desire to live that I haven't known most of my life. From the ages of 15-27 I just didn't care much for my life. (I WAS depressed then!) Marrying Matt threw that completely. He really changed everything for me and I felt like I had a reason to live, I WANTED to live very much. I think having Ava just really upped that desire to a level I'd never felt before in my life. It's amazing to me how loving people and truly feeling loved can alter a mindset so completely.

Speaking of Ava...she's precious!!! I love her SO MUCH! She is so sweet and I just melt every time I can tell she recognizes her Mommy. Yes, we did have some weeks of a lot of screaming, but that has gotten much better this past week. She gets so much more alert and interactive everyday. Girlbaby smiles are just the best! I guess I am sleep deprived, I get probably 6-8 hours of segmented sleep a day, as opposed to my former solid 9. It's not too bad, and for the most part I'd say my body is adjusting well. My biggest issue is that I'm frequently unnerved by the guilt from the confessions that started this post. Anyway, back to Ava - I think I'm going to do fine going back to work in a week, but that's because I'll just be half time. When I go back full time in January I think I'm going to have a hard time. It hurts my heart to think about being away from her for so long (ends up being about 10 hours of each work day). And my milk supply has been nightmarish and I'm going to feel retched if I can't keep enough breast milk pumped for her. *Sigh* You just want the best for your kids, ya know? It's so hard when you can't give them the things you want to give them. Being a parent has made me so much less judgmental of other parents. And much more understanding. I'm glad for that - compassion has this really good feeling about it.

I wish I had some pictures to share. Matt has some on his computer, but I don't have any new ones on mine. Honestly we probably need to take way more pictures than we do. We didn't even have newborn pictures taken...ugh, I think I'm going to regret that one.

Ava Leigh's Birth Story

2011-09-21T15:45:00.002-06:00


Ava Leigh Gardiner 1 hr old

I want to preface this birth story by saying that I don’t consider it a good one. I’m so long in writing this for the sole reason that up until just lately, I couldn’t think back on Ava’s birth without tears. I consider it a horrific experience. I am still an advocate of home birth, however I won’t be doing one again with my second child for reasons I’ll get to as we go along here. I’m not saying I won’t ever do it again, just not with the next one. Given my challenges, this birth would have been very difficult even in a hospital. My mom (who is also my midwife) said it was one of the roughest births she’s ever attended and not at all the usual home birth experience.

August 31st - btwn 1am and 1:30am; 10 days before my due date: I wake to mild contractions - with distinct back labor. In the couple of days preceding, I had been expecting labor to commence soon. I just felt like my body was ready to have this baby, so I wasn’t surprised - more than anything I was bummed I was going to have the baby in August when we really wanted to make it to September! (hardly any family b-days in Sept.) Anyway, I knew it was real labor right away. It just felt different and the contractions were consistently 5 minutes apart. Only lasting about 30 seconds, but consistent. The pain was very bearable and I could just lay in my bed and breathe through them. I called my mom at 4am when the contractions had started to last 45 seconds, still 5 min apart, but definitely increasing in intensity. My mom arrived at 4:50am and I woke Matt and let him know what was going on. By this time I am having to concentrate a bit to get through the contractions, but still well aware that I had a long ways to go. I found it felt best to stand up and bounce through them. It was Matt’s first week of school and I insisted he go to class. I had told him initially to go to work afterward as well, but I'm glad I recanted.

My mom checked me at about 6 am. I'd been having bad cervical pain for weeks, so I was expecting at least a 3 and hoping for more. Yes, getting checked hurt. It hurt worse when she reported that I was barely 1 cm dilated. What?! Labor wasn't crazy hard yet, but I expected a little more after 5 hours of contractions and all those pains that had been going on for weeks! She told me I was leaking a bit of amniotic fluid as well. When Matt called to check in at 11am I was tired. The pains had gotten stronger and required intense concentration to get through them. Standing was no longer an option. I found the most comfortable position was to sit indian style on the floor with my back ram rod straight. I also did pretty well on my hands and knees. On a pain scale...maybe a 6 or 7. That quickly started to change. An hour later I was really struggling (like a 9). Now I don't know if my labor really was super hard in general (I hear back labor is more painful and I had that the entire time) or if my pain threshold just stinks, but I was sobbing in between contractions at this point. Sobbing because I felt super discouraged. More discouraged than I'd ever felt in my life - I just didn't see how I was going to keep going when I was still so far from the end.

You're not supposed to be submerged in water until 6cm because it can slow labor. But I was having a minute long contraction every 2 minutes at that point and I begged until my mom relented. The tub helped A TON. That tub and its lovely hot water was my saving grace. I was still in a lot of pain, but I didn't feel like I was going to die and that was an improvement. Matt got back home at about 2pm. When he saw me in the tub with tears streaming down my face I think he was a bit in shock. When he'd left I was pretty happy still. He put on his swimsuit and got in the tub behind me at my request. It really helped for him to push down on my lower back during contractions and just having him there was a relief as well.

My mom hadn't checked me again at this point because my cervix was in a different than usual position and her fingers weren't quite long enough to check without me writhing in pain - so we were waiting for her assistant to show. JaNae arrived at maybe 2:30pm. She checks me - 4 cm. I bawled and just about lost it. It had been 9 hours since I'd last been checked and 14 hours of labor and I'd only progressed 3 cm. Why was everything moving so SLOWLY????!!!! Sobbing, I told my mom, "I can't do this. I need to go to the hospital." In my head thoughts just swarmed - I didn't think I could survive a car ride to the hospital, my mom would be so disappointed, and even being in so much pain I could already see the bill, lol! My mom just said, "You can do it." I knew if I would have pushed, Matt would make sure I got there, but I just kept thinking that I couldn't do that to my mom. She'd have been heartbroken if I'd gone to the hospital. I couldn't remember AT ALL the reasons I wanted a medication/intervention free birth in the first place. In the end, I resolved that I would continue and even though I knew it would be more than I could take, I knew it would eventually come to an end. That's what I held on to for the next 4 hours - "This will end."

Because I was dilating so slowly, my mom and JaNae decided to try an essential oil mixture that they had seen be very successful in hurrying things along. The catch - the mixture has rose oil in it. A tiny 5ml bottle is $150. My mom sent JaNae to purchase the rose oil and other needed oils. (My mother is a saint! She claims the oil was just good to have anyway, but she did let us pay her for part of it.) Well, it worked. After the oil was administered to the cervix I was to 6cm in 15 minutes. An hour later, an 8. Another midwife my mom works with, Heather, came at about 4pm. She broke my water (in the tub - something I'd sworn was way to gross to do - but I was NOT getting out of that tub!) and I immediately progressed to just under a 10. And herein lies nightmare #2 (#1 was it taking so long to get fully dilated in the first place!). There was a little lip of cervix that WOULD NOT GIVE. For the next 3 hours I pushed. With every push one of them would push back on that lip of cervix. I pushed in the tub, I pushed on my knees, I pushed on the birthing stool - nothing. And the contractions were so close together I hardly got a break. I started to show signs of losing it and my mom and Heather gave me homeopathics in between contractions to calm me down. Did they work? I dunno, I still felt crazy, but I appreciated that they could see that I was at my wits end. They also hooked me up to an IV of saline solution because I was getting dehydrated and was too distracted by pain to drink. My mom asked Matt to give me a blessing. With his voice quivering, he gave me the sweetest blessing ever. And even though he blessed the labor to end shortly and the 2 hours that followed were not short enough for me, it really renewed my determination to stay in the game and push my heart out until the end.

Since we weren't making any progress, the midwives decided to have me get in the craziest position: Matt stood against the wall and put his arms under mine to hold me up. Then JaNae and my mom sat in chairs on either side of me and every time I had a contraction they would lift up my legs and push them back towards me while Heather pulled hard on that lip of cervix. (Can you get the visual? Ugh, don't try too hard!) So basically I'm not supporting any of my weight when I'm pushing. Matt got tired fast obviously! That last position seemed to have really helped. Sometime during all that pushing I became totally exhausted and starting to become despondent. I pushed and then sobbed, pushed and then sobbed. I was starting to believe she was never coming and that God hated me, but finally, she was there ready to descend the birth canal. It took that entire 3 hours for her to finally clear that lip.

Nightmare #3: My birth canal is total muscle - more so than is typical I guess. Though the head was past the cervix, it was obvious to the midwives that it was going to take another who knows how many hours for that thing to stretch enough to let a baby through. Here we are at just before 7pm. Heather told me I could take the hours, or she could do an episiotomy. I didn't even have to think about it. "Cut me." They laid me on the edge of the bed - my mom holding one leg and JaNae the other. Heather made a diagonal cut to her left. It stung bad. I don't remember a lot about what happened next. I pushed hard and I could feel Heather's hands pushing really hard. I started to scream and the head came through. For some reason the idea of the baby's head just hanging out kinda freaked me and I wanted to push again immediately. So I did. Those two pushes were pain like I can't even describe. I screamed like a wild animal and I felt totally out of my head.

Ava emerged and a gush of black amniotic fluid followed her. She had expressed meconium during labor and it hadn't had time to go anywhere. (Thankfully.) She had her little hand up by her face which explained some confusion the midwives were having when they were trying to determine her exact position. (What is that bump there? A nose? Lol.) The cord was wrapped around her neck - to everyone's surprise. I had an ultrasound only a couple weeks prior and they hadn't said anything about that. Also, except for a couple minutes when she was clearing the cervix, her heart rate had been perfect. (Again, thankfully!)

Baby's First Picture

Immediately following Ava's birth, she was placed on my chest. This should have been a sweet moment except that I was totally traumatized. I glanced at the baby, but I felt dead. I remember thinking, "Finally, it's over." But then it wasn't over. My entire body starting shaking uncontrollably - huge shakes and I was suddenly SO cold. They covered me from the waist up with blankets, but I couldn't get warm. I couldn't stop moaning from the pain and they eventually took the baby since it was obvious I wasn't doing anything other than hurting her ears anyway. The placenta delivered quickly, but it came out torn in half. It looked like a pile of hamburger meat and the midwives were like, "Uh, what happened here?" (Still not sure what cause this). So the next 15 minutes were spent with them digging around in my uterus looking for any pieces. This hurt badly and at that point I'm certain that I'm going to be in pain forever. Cause right after they finished with that, they had to stitch me up - which took another 45 minutes. And thank heavens I got some Lidocaine for that - the pressure was still horrible, but I didn't have to feel every stitch. It was discovered that I had torn internally 4 inches. When I asked how many stitches it had required they didn't even know - they'd lost count there had been so many. This is why I won't be doing a home birth the next time around. Those birth canal muscles are going to be just as tight as they were the first time because they never got to stretch - they ripped. I think I'll let them stretch for hours under medication.

So, an hour after birth, I'm finally calmed down. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but I'm finally feeling like the ordeal is over. My grandma has been holding the baby. Where's Matt you ask? Well, back when we got in the tub, Matt had to remove his insulin pump. He stayed in the tub with me for hours after that - the whole time with no insulin. And then he helped hold me while I was pushing on the wall. After Ava was born, he realized that he felt like crap. Sure enough his blood sugar was sky high and instead of getting to hold his baby, he was sick on the couch! I hadn't been able to nurse Ava right away since I was delirious, after an hour my mom was anxious for me to try. As they handed her back to me I was shocked by how pretty she was. Matt and I had prepped ourselves for a less than cute newborn since so many of them come out looking like aliens regardless of how cute they get after a couple of days. But Ava was beautiful! (Perhaps bc she only spent seconds in the birth canal getting all smushed up!) She latched right on and snuggled up to me. She loves to snuggle.

I think that about covers it. I could keep going with the difficulty of the following week, but this is enough re-living the trauma for me for now. ;) I don't know why I had to have such a trying labor, but it definitely was a very humbling experience. More than anything we just feel so blessed to have a healthy baby. With the stress of labor and the cord around her neck and the meconium and the mysterious state of the placenta - it's a miracle that Ava sustained no trauma or injury and is a wonderfully healthy baby. That, I wouldn't trade for an easy labor.

2 Weeks Old

38 Weeks and the Impending Natural Birth Part II

2011-08-26T13:35:00.000-06:00

So, I've explained my decision. Now let's talk pain.

It's recommended to have some birthing training of sorts if you're going to have a child naturally. I had decided on a program called Hypnobabies. There are several courses offered locally, but sadly, none of them coincided with our time restraints, so I decided to do the home study program. Now, bless my husbands heart, he wasn't very supportive. While he believes in hypnosis, he really struggled with the way this particular program was set up - just a little too "quacky" in nature for him I guess you could say. I was determined to do it on my own. However, I found that every time I tried to practice (which you're supposed to do at least twice a day), I found that lying still and talking myself deeper into hypnosis exacerbated my pain! This pregnancy has made me very achy from the start and my attention was drawn more towards my aches and pains the more I worked to get rid of the aches and pains! Many would argue I was doing it wrong. I'm sure you're right, but honestly, I didn't/don't know any other way to do it. I tried to follow her directions. I kept trying to practice, but quickly became discouraged. I quit practicing. I obviously didn't learn how to hypnotize myself. Now I'm feeling very screwed!

My only saving grace has been natural birthing books that I've read. I've learned many techniques for relaxation and speeding along the labor process. I've learned in great specifics about what my body will do during labor and how I can aid in the process instead of fight against it. I feel like I know what I need to do, it's just a question of pain management. I don't really have a strategy for that and it makes me slightly uncomfortable.

I don't know what my pain threshold is like. I know I handle different types of pain differently. I know the pain in my hips and back and cervix that I've had so far are types of pain I could have in much higher levels and be okay. I've heard that contractions are like horrible period cramps. They can hurt like heck, but it's a type of pain that doesn't freak me out. I'm praying that pregnancy pain is one of those types I am better with.

I have no fears about dying or the safety of my baby. I realize things happen, but I firmly feel like if the worst did happen, then that's what God's plan was. It wouldn't be because of my choice to have a home birth.

I think my only other worry aside from the pain is that my husband won't know how to help me. He's SO excited for the baby to be here, but he is not excited about, nor very interested in, the labor part. He's not even sure he really wants to be there! I've tried to talk to him about it and get him to read some positive labor stories, but he just doesn't want to. So, I hope when the time comes, that I can communicate my needs. Sometimes pain and commotion make that difficult. I also hope that if I need him to push on my back for 8 or 12 hours straight that he won't be sad as it's already a hassle to get a 15 minute back massage! I mean, it is called "labor" right? It's not necessarily just labor for me! ;)

Anyway, my mantra right now is just to STAY POSITIVE. One thing I have learned from Hypnobabies is that the mind is a powerful thing. I believe I will have a smooth, manageable birth and that has been and will continue to be my focus. The day soon comes folks!

38 Weeks and the Impending Natural Birth Part I

2011-08-26T12:57:00.000-06:00

Surreal.

That most accurately describes how I feel at this point. It's surreal that I am due to have a BABY in 14 days, that I'm going to push a 6-10 lb child out of me, that I'll be a mommy when it's over, that she's genetically a mix of myself and the love of my forever, that I don't have to work for 2 months after, and that my body will be my own again. It's a lot to take in!

But we're here to talk about natural birth. First, I want to tell you why I'm doing this. I haven't really gone into detail about our choice to have a home birth and now is as good a time as ever. When I returned from my mission in 2006 my mom had decided to study midwifery. My mom has given birth to 10 children. She's had natural births in the hospital, a natural birth at home, epidurals, a c-section, VBACS, she's lost a baby, had preemie babies, late babies, babies with jaundice, a breech baby, a posterior baby, long labors, very short labors, and I'm sure I could go on forever! The woman has experienced a lot! When I first learned about this new "hobby" of hers my reaction was one of, "You'll be really good at that and I'm still having my babies in hospitals."

As my mom progressed in her schooling and attended hundreds of births, I started to ask more questions. It astounded me how few women had to be transported to the hospital. It astounded me that no mothers died, and few babies died. (She has lost 2 babies -one born with known abnormalities that would have died had it been in a hospital as well, and the other a super preemie where the mother REFUSED to go to the hospital even though they demanded she go). It astounded me how few problems occurred with the births my mom attended when right and left my friends and acquaintances were having emergency c-sections and other complications at the hospital. I wanted to know, "WHY?!"

So I started researching. Such research is highly debated, so I'm not going to bring up the point by point here. I'll just say that I slowly started to gain a respect for natural birth - no pain medication, no induction, no being hooked up to machines and wires. I have come to feel that it's actually much safer, yes, SAFER than a hospital birth. I do believe that hospitals and drs have their place in the birthing world, but I feel that place lies in emergencies. Contrary to popular belief, midwives are equipped to handle many of those emergencies to allow plenty of time for hospital transport if needs be.

I also learned about the benefits of birthing in any other position but on your back and of walking around during labor. I learned about self directed pushing, I learned about the importance of immediate mother-baby bonding. I asked dozens of questions to my mom and also my regular doctor. I started to really consider a home birth as an option!

Speaking of my doctor - he's not a huge fan of home births. Most doctors aren't. He thinks trying to go without pain meds is just silly and even if it's not the best for baby, there's no long term damage and it's no big deal. There are a few drs out there that will somewhat act as a midwife for you and support a natural birth in the hospital. It's a rare find, but my friend Amanda had an amazing one. I personally don't know any in the area. My doctor has been our go to for tests, the ultrasounds, my digestive problems, etc. He will deliver the baby if we need to go to the hospital.

Anyway, after more reading and research and questions of all kinds, I decided a home birth was the right thing for me. (I could also have done a birthing center instead of a hospital, but honestly - there's no difference. A birthing center doesn't have anything my house doesn't have.) I hold no judgement against those that choose otherwise. While I cringe a little when I hear about scheduled c-sections and inductions that aren't medically necessary, I firmly believe that every mother does what she feels is best for her and her baby. Cause really, that's all I'm doing and I don't feel any mother should be made to feel guilty about her birthing choices.

37 Weeks 3 Days

2011-08-21T21:46:00.002-06:00

But who's counting right? ;)

Got some pics for ya'll tonight! Camera phone pics again. We REALLY need to buy a camera before Girlbaby is born. These pixely, off color, sub par images are good enough for now, but Girlbaby's gonna deserve a little camera respect! So here I am with my basketball and my toneless arms. :) Super hot, I know. Weight gain is at 13 pounds. I'm not bragging - it's certainly nothing I did. Everything's healthy, I think my body just already knew it had plenty of surplus fat on it. For once my fat does something right!
Here we have Girlbaby's crib. Yes, this is the KSL steal I got: $500 crib for $125. My parents and my mom's parent's actually footed the bill for my birthday. I totally love it. And you'll notice the beautiful quilt my mom made me... and here's a close up of the little flowers - so precious! (Now how is it that the lighting is all normal on that one?) The quilt isn't the only thing my mom has made - 2 other super cute blankets, cuteified burp rags, and she added the most girly, adorable trim to some white onesies! I should post pics of those too huh...maybe when Girlbaby is using them. ;)

And the handsome father to be. I tried to get him to flex his muscles for the camera but he refused. Which is really too bad, they're kind of impressive. :) Matt is VERY excited for the baby to come. I had told him that 37 weeks was full gestation and ever since I hit that day, he's been wanting this baby out. It's probably pretty accurate to say that he is more impatient for her at this point than I am! I think he's kinda sad that she'll most likely come once he's already started school and his attention will have to be majorly divided.

Now that some of the digestive issues I'd been having are more figured out, I'm pretty good waiting. I have a lot of Braxton Hicks and regular cervix pains and the leg cramps are a bit obnoxious, but I feel good overall. This whole time I've been so uncomfortable and thinking my body just couldn't handle pregnancy, but no, it was just my retarded digestive track. At least I'll know for next time.

Anyway, we now wait. It just occurred to me that I should blog on my feelings about my impending natural labor. I'll see if I can get to that before the big day. So close guys!

Not Sure I Can Hack It

2011-08-11T23:02:00.001-06:00

So, I know this is coming from a tired, achy lady who's 8 months pregnant, but I really am genuinely starting to doubt my ability to assimilate a child into my life. I know, I know, it's too late now! And I'd choose to have babies anyway as it's more important to me than most things. However, as I look to the future, something has got to go.

Currently, I work full time. Regardless of the fact that I do enjoy my job, I am pretty spent at the end of the work day. Worse now of course, but I wasn't fresh and rejuvenated when 5pm rolled around during anytime before either! But once I get home, the the rest of life needs attention. Cleaning, shopping, bills, (I'd say cooking, but I don't find enough gumption to do much of that...), just keeping up with all the little one-offs that pop up all the time. With moving into a new house, the 'to do' list seems eternal. I try to assign myself a small task to get done each day aside in addition to the cleaning, etc. Some days I'm more successful than others. I'm afraid no amount of 'nesting' when it comes along is going to have this house in ready shape for a baby. And I have serious fears that whatever doesn't get put away, hung, painted, bought, decorated, etc before the baby comes will never get done. My diet sucks and while I have been good about my prenatals and oils, I haven't been able to remember to take my iron supps in forever. And my iron is bad bad bad. But I just can't keep up!

Point being: If I already can't keep up and feel overwhlemed, how can I do all I've been trying to do and take care of a child too? THANKFULLY I'll get two months completely off of work and two more months of only working half time. At least there will be somewhat of an adjustment period. But come January when I have to be up before dawn to make sure the baby is fed and ready for the day, to get her to my moms, work all morning, rush to my parents to feed her over lunch, finish off a work day, pick up the baby and arrive home by perhaps 6:00 at the earliest - only to have to clean, shop, blah, blah, blah. And I'm supposed to do all this while paying meticulous attention to my diet so Girlbaby can be healthy. Oh wait...and more important yet, do all this while paying a ton of attention to my sweet baby! Something has to go and I don't yet know what it is. Do I let the laundry and the dishes pile up, let clothes lie on the floor, let the bathroom get gross and we all live in squander?! We have to have food, shopping can't go. Have to pay the bills and stay on top of Matt's insulin and diabetic supplies. It just doesn't seem like there's much room to wiggle.

Someone who's been here tell me what to do. I know full time moms work hard. I'm not expecting otherwise. But working full time and trying to be a full time housewife at the same time seems nigh unto impossible, no matter how hard one works. Isn't there a world where I can just drop everything and play with my baby? :)

Updates That Need Pictures

2011-08-04T19:11:00.001-06:00

I don't have any pictures. :( BUT - a few things of late that should have associated pics:

35 Weeks: Yup, only 5 weeks left! My tum tum is quite large and last week hit this new level of discomfort that I have to be continually assured is normal. How come no one told me about the shooting pains in the JJ? Hum? I feel like I should have been warned about that. And my back hurts, there's constantly an uncomfortable pressure on some part of my belly, and I honestly can't stand for more than 10 or 15 minutes. I feel like a cripple. She's going to come early. This can't possibly continue and get worse for 5 more weeks. It wouldn't be humane.

The Nursery: Isn't done yet. The primer is 90% done and beyond that we're still dismally unprepared. I've gotta get decisive SOON - we're running out of time! If you have some classy nursery decor ideas, please send them my way.

Glasses: For the first time in 15 years, I own a pair of eye glasses. You should know that my vision is -12 in one eye and -14 in the other. (-8 is legally blind - meaning - can't lead a normal life without corrective lenses). My eyes are so bad I can't even get lasik. Anyway, yes $450 - and that was after a 20% discount. Don't worry, I won't let myself be seen in public with them, it wouldn't be proper.

Shower #1: I mentioned last post that my SIL was throwing me a shower. First of all, let me apologize for being so dramatic about the whole thing - I just have my anxious moments and there's no Xanex to save me these days. I was a little nervous at first, but I settled in as the evening wore on. Only one person outside of family came, but that was okay. It meant a lot to me that all my SILs from the Gardiner side were there. The food was amazing and I felt happy.

Shower #2: So, the YW in my ward DID throw me a shower - kind of last minute. It was just last night - a good week and a half after we'd already moved, which honestly, made it seem sweeter. I couldn't believe how many of them came. I feel like none of these YW knew me very well and yet for them to come and even bring me a gift was, like, more than I could comprehend. Being the center of attention of so many did cause a bit of anxiety, but I forced myself to push it down - focusing on being happy and grateful. It was really so sweet and meant so much more to me than I could have imagined.

The House: Yes, we've moved into our new house. Yes, I know you want to see it. *Sigh* You're gonna have to give me a bit on this one - I want to get the painting and stuff done first! We do love it. No buyer's remorse here - so far, it's been everything we could have hoped for. :)

Why I Dread Showers

2011-07-17T11:33:00.002-06:00

Showers are a sensitive topic for me. Back in my college days when my friends first starting getting married and starting their families, I thought they were SO FUN! I'd spend ridiculous amounts of money on them and love every minute of the food and games and girlish laughter. As I became an older single, showers started to hurt my heart. They were a painful reminder of what I didn't have that I wanted so badly. Oddly, I found them to be worse than the actual weddings or babys' births. Eventually I began to be invited to fewer because my close friends had mostly all moved away and I wasn't making new friends because I'd become so reclusive and quiet in my self-conscious older age.

Now here we are and it's my turn to have the showers! You'd think I would be excited that my time had finally come! But no, somehow I am even more self-conscious about my own. As I mentioned, all of my super close friends have moved away and I have about 4 close-ish friends in the state and a few dozen acquaintances in the area. The whole process is embarrassing, awkward, and causes me extreme anxiety. I think because it's an expectation that people who love you will want to have a party in your honor at these special times in your life. It starts the moment someone asks, "Who's throwing your showers?!" As if I'm having more than one and there are dozens clamoring to throw them! To which I always WANT to respond, "No one! I have no friends and no one cares!" Of course I just say, "Oh, I'm not sure what's going on with all that yet, but I'm sure it will take care of itself." For my wedding, my friends Kandace and Brittney (all the way in SL) offered to throw my shower when, rather late in the game, it was apparent no one else was going to do it. While I was extremely grateful to them, I worried about who I could invite. I was mortified that the day of the shower would come and no one would show up. To my awe, there were actually 5 other ladies there who weren't family. (I don't have a huge "Mormon" extended fam, so when I say my family, I mean my mom, sisters, SILs and one cousin). Sure, dozens had been invited, but 5 was still a miracle to me.

The baby shower business has been better in ways and worse in others. Early on, my SIL, Meg, said she wanted to throw me one. I was surprised and very thankful to have something to say when people asked. She's been planning for weeks (she's hugely into parties) and it has meant a lot to me. Again, I had anxiety over who to invite and felt so embarrassed to give Meg a very short list. That shower happens next Saturday and I'm trying to be chill about it, but the anxiety is still there. So, generally, that part has been better though I might die if no one but my family shows up bc of all the work Meg has put into this!

What has been worse is the occasional person in my ward that asks about a ward shower. No one in the ward is throwing me a shower, even though one was thrown for the other prego girl last month. But really, why should they? No one knows me. We've lived here a year and Matt and I have been shy and kept very much to ourselves the entire time. We don't go to ward activities because I really struggle with group anxiety and I don't go to YW meetings during the week - mainly because of our crazy one-car schedule. On top of all that, we're moving 5 weeks before the baby comes and it's like a shower would be making an investment in a relationship that won't continue. I don't want a shower from my ward, I just need people not to ask about it cause it's SOOO embarrassing to turn red while I'm quickly and awkwardly trying to brush the subject off entirely. "Oh, um, I'm not sure, ya know, we've just been so busy trying to purchase a house and figure out the logistics of moving right now that little else has been on my mind." Which turns the convo to the move which dozens have generously offered to help us with as Matt has been always the very first to volunteer when the EQ or others have needed assistance.

Anyway, that's what it boils down to - I don't care about gifts and food and games. Showers are a reminder that I've continued to let myself be self-consumed with my insecurities, inadequacies, and anxieties to the point that I still cannot initiate and foster normal, loving relationships with those outside of my immediate family. I don't give people a reason to care and who knows if I ever will be able to. My husband and I are very close and generally he's very much enough for me. It's just these damn birthdays and showers when everyone expects that you'll be receiving extra special attention from the masses that I feel sad and unhappy with my reclusive self!

Do I make any sense? Does anyone else feel me? Or are you all well adjusted and well loved and not psychotically insecure?

30 Weeks

2011-06-30T10:21:00.002-06:00

Front pic that's pointless bc of the light...

I know, I haven't posted in FOREVER. I kept telling myself I was going to take some pics and just never got around to it until today at work. They aren't the greatest but they're here!

For 30 weeks I feel SO HUGE. Sometimes Girlbaby will press her little body out against me and I look even bigger. (And feel like I'm going to explode!) I finally started gaining weight - almost 8 pounds in the last 10 weeks. No stretch marks yet, but my skin is getting rather taunt in places, so I'm fairly certain my day of reckoning isn't too far ahead.

Side Pic

My recent craving is chocolate milk - which I have almost daily despite the fact I haven't been a milk drinker in over a decade. I don't believe in milk, I don't intend on letting Girlbaby have any (cow's) milk. And yet here I am, drooling at the thought of the thick, chocolatey goodness. Delicious.

Things are going well. I've gotten used to being uncomfortable so it doesn't bother me as much. I can get a little emotional and upset at times without warning to Matt or I. I don't drink enough water cause I'm SO tired of peeing every half hour and I don't exercise cause it makes me tired. :)

What else? We're both getting really excited for Girlbaby to make her entrance into the world. Well, maybe not for the actual making an entrance part, but you get what I'm saying. Between buying a house, moving, Matt starting at BYU and the baby coming, it's going to be a busy and fun filled couple of months that we have ahead of us!

First Anniversary

2011-06-01T10:39:00.001-06:00

First of all, I apologize for the dearth of pictures in this post. We honestly did try to take some, but while we are such attractive people, we really struggle to take a decent picture and inevitably just give up every time. :)

Matt and I celebrated our 1st anniversary over this past weekend. We drove down to Las Vegas, stayed in a beautiful resort, and had all sorts of fun. Here is a pic of our hotel, the JW Marriott. It was off the strip and just a quiet, lovely place. We did make several trips down to the strip. I quickly realized that in my white button up shirt, full length jeans, and prego belly - I looked very much the part of a Mormon Mommy amidst the ample cleavage and bare legged ladies all about. Complete with fresh shaven husband, sporting a BYU hat (or as a stranger in a restaurant referred to it: Jimmer's Hat). I wondered a couple times why we chose Vegas...oh yeah, it's close/cheap/a known quantity.

Friday night, after I discovered that pregnancy significantly hinders ones ability to walk for long stretches of time (um, like, longer than 20 minutes), we decided to see a movie. Matt and I love movies. We settled on Kung Fu Panda II in 3D. It was fun, cute and cost more than I think I've ever spent on a movie in my life (the theater was on the strip). But totally worth it.

Saturday morning we had the best meal we ate all weekend: IHOP. Yeah, not kidding. It was the cleanest IHOP I've ever been to and the waitress was super nice. Matt had a waffle with strawberries and whip cream, sausage and eggs, and I had whole wheat french toast with bananas and eggs with mushrooms and cheese. DELICIOUS!

We spent the afternoon at the pool where I learned after a year of marriage that my lover can't really swim. We probably looked like little kids to onlookers as I attempted to teach him strokes, and how to do a hand stand in the water. There was much laughing as Matt was a dismal failure at each exercise. Thank goodness he knows how to float! Back in the hotel room, we tried out our jetted tub to rinse out ourselves and our suits from the chlorine - it was a BIG tub. We both fit comfortably and it was quite nice just to relax in the bubbly warmth.

Saturday night we went to The Blue Man Group! It was a bit of a splurge, but we'd heard it was a great show and we were not disappointed. Super fun and super entertaining.

Sunday afternoon we headed to St. George. We spent the rest of Sunday and Monday morning hanging out with Matt's parents. Sunday evening we wanted to watch a movie...since it was Sunday we chose to stick with a Disney something or other. My pick was Mary Poppins. I fell asleep half way through. Matthew did not. Since Sunday night, he's been singing Mary Poppins songs. All of them. And he knows the words to most. It was still on going when he dropped me off for work this morning. How was I supposed to know it was one of his favorites as a kid? What have I done?!

We got home Monday around 6:30pm. Tired, but happy. :)

This past year has been, without a doubt, the very best year of my life. I feel so blessed to have married such a wonderful man. He is everything I need and I love him more every day. He makes me feel like I am the richest, luckiest, most blessed woman in the world. I am so excited for this next year to see him be a daddy, and just to continue to get to be with him. I don't think a day passes where I don't mutter a silent prayer of thanks for the awesomeness that is my eternal companion.

No Place Like No Home Part II

2011-05-18T22:03:00.001-06:00

So, the more frustrated I get with this and the sicker I make myself the more I see what I need to do. (I seem to have quite the ability since I've been pregnant of making my body hate me when I'm emotionally upset - so when I say sick, I mean I've been making myself literally ill.)

I need to pray about it. I probably need to have my husband give me a blessing. But...I don't want to.

I'm so weird. Okay, so here's the thing. Matt and I are very active. I hold two callings that I serve faithfully in, I usually do my visiting teaching, I constantly am thanking the Lord for His many blessings to me, we pay tithing and fast offering, and I'm generally a very good person. But...I haven't been good at getting on my knees and praying. I was at one point and I'm not sure what stopped it. The only time I really pray now is over meals, with my husband since he asks me to join him, and those little prayers of thankfulness in my heart.

Well now that I feel like I REALLY need God's help, I feel undeserving of asking for it. Like, I'm the opposite of a fair-weather friend. I'm a catastrophe friend. I'm only really dedicated to the friendship when I'm in desperate need of help. Things for Matt and I have been so wonderful that I let my relationship with my Heavenly Father slip. Now I feel...I feel ashamed to ask for help. I feel guilty.

I need a shift in perspective and I'm having a hard time grasping onto exactly what that means for me.

No Place Like No Home

2011-05-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

So, a friend of mine said we could take over her contract at the start of July. This conversation was had in January and has been talked about every month since. The place is perfect for us - price, location, size, everything. She had spoken with her landlord and the landlord wanted to meet with us to sign a contract about a month before we were to move in.

Well, it's 6 weeks until move in and for two weeks I've been trying to get in contact with my friend with no success. While I do consider her a friend, I really don't know her that well. I'd assume however, that two weeks of emails, phone calls, and fb messages can mean only one thing...

I've been absolutely sick about it for a few days now. I'm not one of those people that does things last minute and I'm super picky about where I live. I keep trying to trust that everything will work out, but I'm struggling.

Care to Supplement?

2011-05-06T17:12:00.001-06:00

So, most women when pregnant take pre-natal vitamins. I of course do as well. However, those are not all I take. Midwives are typically into herbs and homeopathy, so my regimen of pill popping is quite intense. Things like this interest me greatly, so I thought a few others might think so too. Here's the run down:

The Vitamin Code Raw Pre-natals: On sale they're $25/mth, but I LOVE this brand. I was taking their regular woman's vitamin before I got prego and it's the only vitamin I've ever taken that I really felt like made a difference.

Vitamin D3: Vit D deficiency is VERY common and most ppl don't realize it because the symptoms take a long time to show up, but adequate Vit D is essential to optimum health and preventing cancer. I specifically asked my dr to test for this (it's not routine) and I was unsurprisingly low. I mean hi, I'm a white girl who lives in Utah.

Iron (Hema-plex): Another deficiency here, fairly common for a prego lady. This brand is supposed to be one of the best on the market - totally different than the ferous iron your dr would prescribe for you. I just started taking it, so I'll give a review later.

Zinc: Um, yeah, I'm deficient in this too. I take Zinc picolinate - a highly absorbable form. This also helps strengthen the pancreas which is really important for me and my hypoglycemia.

Chromium: Also strengthen the pancreas; helps balance blood sugar.

Omega 3 Fish Oils: I actually won't start taking this for another couple of weeks. Omega 3s are good in so many respects, but I'll mainly be taking them because research has shown that if taken in conjunction with Vit D. from the 3rd Trimester through a year of breastfeeding, it cuts the chance of Type 1 Diabetes by 56% when a parent has the disease. 56% - isn't that amazing!!!

Pregnancy Tea: I'm not even sure what all is in this to be honest. It's a proprietary blend of herbs prepared and mixed locally. It's purpose is to strengthen the uterus and "stuff" to be best prepared to give labor. I have to brew it myself which is kind of a pain, but it's delicious cold, over ice, and with a bit of sugar. YUM.

Kidney/Bladder Cleanse Juice: This is another local proprietary blend. Both my kidneys are dilated and it causes pretty severe pain in my back at times. This stuff is supposed to help. I just got it yesterday. I only take 1 Tbls a day and oh my word, it is NASTY. Let's hope it's worth it!

I think that's it. I mean, I can hardly keep up! I need to do a bit of research on when to take what because I know that some minerals and vitamins and things can cancel each other out if taken at the same time or in conjunction with certain foods. If you happen to be in the know, please tell all!

Half Baked

2011-04-22T20:55:00.000-06:00

20 Weeks today! I can't even believe it. Sorry the ultrasound pic didn't turn out too well, but I just love her precious little profile. :) We had our extensive u/s just yesterday and she is perfectly healthy, has all her parts, and is measuring right on target! I felt her move Wednesday night for the first time. Matt wanted to feel and I told him he wouldn't be able to, but he insisted on putting his head lightly on my belly anyway. What do you know, the little rascal bopped him right in the ear! Matt is already completely enamored with her and sweetly calls her simply, "Girlbaby".

All is still going really well. I am finally back at my starting weight. I've been showing since 18.5 weeks. I took this pic today (with a camera phone) as promised to the many of you who have been wanting to see my "bump". :) I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping already, but if I work out a bit I find that it really helps. Other than that, I have some pain in my lower back where my poor smushed kidneys are and my blood sugar has been a bit difficult to control (I have reactive hypoglycemia, so it easily bounces back and forth between 55ish and 180ish if I eat the wrong things), so I've been trying to watch my diet a little more and I'm surprised how much better it makes me feel in general. From what I hear from other pregnant friends, I'm having it pretty easy. Stories of nightmarish morning sickness, ridiculous weight gain, debilitating heart burn, and other maladies have me thanking my lucky stars.

It's a Girl

2011-04-13T16:40:00.000-06:00

We really weren't supposed to find out until next Thursday, but our dr told us that if we got impatient we could take a little gender peek a bit before. Of course I got impatient. Next week we still have our original ultrasound to check to make sure everything is going well.

Most of you know I was expecting/desiring a boy. All the way back to work from the drs office, I just kept thinking, "Girls are so much drama!" "What if she's insecure like me?" "What if boys don't like her?" "What if boys do like her?!!" For some reason I had it in my head that a boy would be easier to raise. A silly thought, I'm sure. Anyway, YES, I am happy, and very excited. And I have no intention of controlling myself when I come across precious little dresses and ruffled-butt tights. :)

Programming Baby

2011-03-31T09:26:00.006-06:00

Hubbycakes has a blog now. And, please let me brag: He created it completely from scratch - the code is totally his. I think he's done an awesome job and I'm quite proud of him. So please, have a look - let's put the pressure on what he assumes will be a "low traffic" blog. I introduce: Byte Partisan (PS -This new fondness for programming, combined with him bringing home the first full paycheck from his new job, and the discovery that he looks AMAZINGLY HOT in light yellow, totally has me in desperate obsession with my husband. I might get butterflies more often now than when we were dating. Seriously.)

17 weeks! Yay! Most of the time I LOVE being pregnant. I am so much less moody this week - thank goodness, I was driving myself nuts. It's so cool to think of our little bug in there!

I'm starting to think I can feel the baby moving...but I'm not sure! I just lay so still and concentrate and I swear I can feel him! Though, more often than not, all I feel is the blood pumping into my placenta - so exciting...not.

Just 3 weeks until our u/s. For the first time I'm starting to really want to know what we're having. I want a boy sooooo badly! Of course we don't really care.

Grilled Pita Bread

My recent craving: Grilled pita bread!!! So delicious and I'm obsessed with it. I pretty much have to have it everyday. Thank goodness it's cheap and not too terribly unhealthy. Speaking of, I haven't gained one pound yet. So ironic that weight gain was always the one thing I feared about pregnancy and it hasn't been an issue at all...yet. This adventure ain't over!

I Hate School

2011-03-24T09:55:00.000-06:00

*Pessimistic Post Warning*

Happy Bunny is so funny to me. :) And no, the real world doesn't suck too badly - but right now I really do think that School Sucks!

I'm not even in school.

Matter of fact, when I started college more than a decade ago at 18 (I know, I know - we're getting old here), I loved school! Yes, stressful at times and a lot of hard work, but filled with great friends, fun, and lessons learned both inside and outside the classroom. I consider my college years as a very formative part of who I have become today.

Now, however, school has taken on an entirely different meaning. My 26 year old husband is in school. School now represents a wall. Behind which, is my financial security. Behind which, is my dream staying home as a mom. Behind which, is our opportunity to find a permanent place in this country to call "home." I feel like school controls my life!

Flashback 2 days: Matt tells me he doesn't think he's going to pass one of his classes. The more he goes into detail, it becomes apparent that there's no "think" about it - short of a miracle, he WILL fail. I happen to already know that he's barely hanging on in another class as well. My chest begins to get tight and I have a bit of hard time breathing. Tears threaten to escape as I think of another year, in additional to the already planned one, of not being at home with my baby. I know from experience that flipping out will only do harm, so I sit quietly, trying to control my emotions of anger, frustration, and sadness.

Now, let's be clear here. I'm not angry or frustrated with my husband. He takes his schooling seriously and he's not at all stupid. He may be a bit of a procrastinator, but so was I. Sometimes I wish he'd be more aggressive about "making grades", but that's my personality, not his. He has excelled at his new job and loves his career field of choice.

These classes he's taking are HARD and quite demanding. I look at some of his math and get a headache before I even start to know what's going on. He does homework for HOURS. This summer he has to take 2 Physics classes and Statistics. Gross! And, let's be honest, if the stress is hard on me, it's certainly hard on him. And seeing my sweet husband stressed is only MORE STRESSFUL!

Ok, my rant is over. If all I have to complain about in life is how frustrating school is, I'm a lucky woman.

2011-03-17T16:27:00.001-06:00

I have absolutely nothing of note to blog about, I just wanted to read blogs and there weren't any new ones, so I thought I'd contribute. If you can call this a contribution.

So, I'm 15 weeks today. The last few, the hormones have been askance, causing headaches and moodiness. Not showing, but looking rather thick if you ask me. And don't ask me because I might bite your head off, or perhaps start crying - I never know. If you want to know what I look like: my face, arms, legs are all the same, with a tummy from when I weighed about 150 and breasts from somewhere I've never been before.

Our favorite names right now are Landon for a boy and Autumn for a girl. Perhaps Landon Christopher Gardiner and Autumn Leigh Gardiner. Though my mother informs me that I can't name her Autumn unless she's born with some shade of red hair and brown eyes (not a chance in hell of the brown eyes, but whatev).

My "nursery colors" I'm liking, (though I doubt we'll have a full blown nursery) are light blue and light yellow - regardless of the sex. I love Toile.

Oh! And here's the blog of the apartment we're moving to in July! We'll miss our vaulted ceilings for sure, but this is just SO close to the University that I can't resist. Though we will use our own washer and dryer. (Aren't the ones pictured hideous?!) I'm excited to get in there and make it my own. :)

http://basementtorent.blogspot.com/

Trimester Numero Dos

2011-02-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

We'll get to the growing belly in a minute. Remember THIS post? Well, it's happened. All my wishes have been granted. MY HUBBY GOT A JOB!!!! A great job. He'll be doing web programming for a company in Springville. He'll get to learn so much there and I think it will really set him up for a full-time programming position when he graduates in a couple of years.

If you read the linked post, you may be wondering how I feel now that I "have everything." Or have my wants changed? Well, to be completely honest, I feel great. But ya know, I felt great this morning before we knew if he had the job. I feel kind of silly saying this, but since I've been married, life has just been a fairy tale. And since I've known I was pregnant, it's like, even more of a fairy tale. Yes, Matt and I argue, yes we sometimes wonder how we're going to make this or that payment, yes my expanding waist line makes me want to vomit sometimes! But, life is highly satisfying in a way it never was before. I totally blame it on my husband.

Now, second trimester:

Baby's heartbeat is a strong 150/bpm. Awesome.
I haven't been sick since week 9. Awesome.
I've lost 3.5 pounds without trying. Awesome.

I LOOK like I've gained 5-10 lbs. Not awesome.
My whole body is as dry as the Sahara. Not awesome.

And...I can't think of anything else "not awesome"...pregnancy ain't half bad so far. Let's see what the next 3 months bring!

Pleased to introduce...

2011-02-18T09:11:00.002-07:00

Baby Gardiner! Had my first ultrasound on Wednesday (10 weeks, 5 days). We totally expected to see nothing but a little blob, but there's actually a real, live, non-alien looking baby in there! These ultrasound pics are hard to distinguish, I know, but when you're seeing it on the screen it's so clear! Ok, so at first we just see, basically what you're seeing above and the doc points out the little heartbeat pitter pattering so quickly. :) Well, this just delights me and I start laughing. As I do, the babe just starting going crazy! Kicking it's little legs and moving it's arms and squirming all over the place - it was SO CUTE!!!!!! And of course by that time Matt and I are both laughing and, oh my gosh, it was just one of the happiest moments of my life so far. Little baby fingers and toes and little nose and eyes - such a miracle! The dr. said the baby seems to be in perfect condition and is measuring exactly 10 weeks, 5 days. I called my mom twice, both my grandmas and Matt and I were talking about it all night. Guys!!!! This is what I've always wanted!!!!! I have an awesome husband and we're having a baby!!!!!! I can't even believe it sometimes. How did I get so blessed?

9.5 Weeks

2011-02-07T13:19:00.001-07:00

Yes, all my blogs will be about pregnancy for the next 7 months. And then they'll all be about the baby for the next forever. :) If you're bored, I sincerely apologize.

I love being pregnant. I love the idea of the little life growing inside me. I love thinking about our future little one. I love eating whatever I want and not gaining a pound. I love thinking of names we both hate. I love, love, love the whole process!

However, there is a flip side. I don't like crying so often. I don't like that that I'm a bit too intolerant. I despise that I let things get to me that I usually wouldn't let get to me. I feel angry and sad and hurt more often than I'd like to admit.

Surprisingly, most of those bad things, don't involve my husband. I'm probably a little more feisty than usual with him, but for the most part when we're together I'm very happy and feel secure. We do drive each other nuts sometimes, but that was going on far before I was ever prego. ;)

Baby Ramblings

2011-01-18T15:15:00.001-07:00

So, I've half expected to have a miscarriage this whole time. I know, I know - why the pessimistic attitude?! I'm honestly not trying to be negative, just realistic. With Matt being diabetic and this being my first attempt, I just know the likelihood of things not going exactly as planned is somewhat higher than the norm. I didn't have morning sickness at all for quite a while - which worried me a bit as I've heard it's a sign of a healthy babe. But, here at 6 1/2 weeks, I'm sick as a dog and thinking this embryo is already a stubborn little runt that's gonna go the whole way! I've lost 2 1/2 pounds and I hate that humans are required to eat to survive.

Speaking of weight. My goal with this child is to gain exactly 23 lbs. from where I started. Why be so anal about baby weight? Well, because I've fought with my weight my whole life and I'm finally happy with where I am and one little midget isn't going to ruin that. No worries, I don't deny myself a thing - I just don't and will never eat for two or with any sort of reckless abandon. My first goal is not to gain anything until the 2nd Trimester (Feb. 25th). I've run this all through my midwife and she says it's a great plan. (my midwife = my mom) :)

Right now the kid is named: Christopher Adam Gardiner or Adam Christopher Gardiner. I'm sold. Matt is still deciding. Either way, I want to call him Adam and Matt wants to call him Christopher....we'll figure it out.

So, yes, I'm having my baby at home, with a midwife. All natural. Yeah, I'm kinda scared, but I'm going to take Hypnobabies classes and I do have a lot of confidence in my mom. I also plan on breast feeding for at least a year and my kids don't get any dairy until until they're 2...maybe longer - the jury is still out. (Cow's milk has been linked to Type 1 Diabetes - especially when a parent is a carrier). I don't want to hear what the FDA says - I think they're evil conspirators. I also have weird feelings about food dyes. Just start calling me psycho-mom now.

Lastly, 9 months is a long time...sheesh!

Can't Keep a Secret

2010-12-29T11:44:00.002-07:00

For the LIFE of me! I know I'm not supposed to tell right off, but I simply can't help it - can't help it at all - I'm going crazy with excitement!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen

I'm pregnant. :) Due September 9, 2011.

Tidbits

2010-12-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Fast Offerings: Didn't grow up paying them and it's ALWAYS been hard for me. Recently started. WOW! Totally a fan of those blessings.

Having Babies: Anyone who knows me knows I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. I'm happy to announce that with 5 months of failure behind me, I'm still super optimistic. Occasionally I surprise myself.

Couponing: Started a month ago. I'm already totally psycho about it. Couldn't focus in church on Sunday bc my Sunday paper didn't come. Even told my 9 year olds in Primary about it. Hahahaha!

30 Rock: We don't have cable, so we watch this on Hulu every Friday evening. It's like, my ultimate favorite part of the whole week. Simply genius. (PS - Doesn't the office kinda suck lately?!)

Matt: I know I always talk about my husband, but I can't help it. He rarely does or says the right thing, he's as irresponsible as a child, he bought Star Craft II after I threatened him with his life if he came home with a video game, and he punches me in the boobs when he doesn't like something I've said or done. And yet, I am madly and irresistibly in love with him. Being married to Matthew Gardiner freaking rocks.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

2010-11-11T12:10:00.002-07:00

The Good
I have never been so happy and contented in my entire life. I can't even believe it's possible half the time. I love my wonderful husband more with each passing day. I feel so hugely lucky to be married to such such a good, fun, sweet, sexy man. Our life is truly a dream come true.

The Bad
We're poor. Meh, so what.
No luck getting pregnant yet. All in God's timing I suppose.

The Ugly
There is one ugly thing that I can't seem to deal with and I was hoping that someone could give me some advice. Here it is:

I wasn't well liked as a child, adolescent, young adult - who knows if I'm even well liked now! Anyway, I have a lot of bad memories of being ostracized, made fun of, rejected. I have an arsenal of sad, pathetic stories.

Now, I'm the first one to admit that I was a chubby, opinionated, obnoxious, dorky kid. I like to think that I've grown out of those things for the most part, and I feel pretty comfortable with life and my "acceptance level" in society presently. (Though, if my depression kicks in I can get pretty weird.) So why is this issue still a problem? Well, I have nightmares. Horrible dreams of girls talking about me behind my back, of being left out, of guys telling me that I'm short, fat, and ugly. On top of these dreams, anytime I look at pictures of elementary, middle, high school, or college - a barrage of nasty memories come flooding back. And they still hurt - they still hurt A LOT.

It seems to have gotten worse since I got married - I think before it was so painful and impossible to confront, that I kept the memories and the feelings hidden. Now, I have a loving husband who tells me everyday that he loves me and that he thinks I'm beautiful. I believe him and I want to let go of the past. Why can't I?

Love and Pancakes

2010-09-30T10:38:00.000-06:00

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to roles within marriage. My mom does EVERYTHING for my dad - makes his food, does the laundry and ALL the cleaning, irons his shirts, etc - the whole nine yards. My dad went to school, worked, and took care of fixing cars, doing yard work, and taking care of other "manly" responsibilities. Granted my parents are from the south where this is more customary.

On the other extreme, my sister in law is totally the opposite. She would be super offended if my brother asked her to make him a meal, or didn't totally clean up after himself. Iron a shirt - never! Matter of fact, since she had her baby, my brother does most everything as well as goes to school - she sees it as her sole responsibility to care for the babe.

Now, I'm not judging my mother or my dear SIL, to each their own. Different things work for different couples. But as Matt and I have just recently been married, it's something we've been working through.

Matt's mom is very much like my mom and so at first he was content to let me do most things, and if I asked him to help - he would, totally willingly. Over time though, I started to feel unloved that he didn't take any initiative. We had a few talks about it and we're falling into a pretty good rhythm. I still do most of the cooking, though Matt is always willing to help. He now knows that I need the kitchen to be clean and the house to be picked up when I get home. After dinner I ask him to clean up and once he says he will, I help him. See for me, I just need to know that he WOULD help - I actually don't mind doing all those things. Matter of fact, I get great joy out of serving my husband.

Last night, I mentioned that I wanted some pancakes, and not our gross boxed mix. Matt said if I found a recipe he would make me some. (He's the BEST pancake maker). Anyway, I found this absolutely killer recipe that is simply AMAZING. Fluffiest, yummiest pancakes ever. (PS - we omitted half the salt). I think I want pancakes everyday now. DELISH!

Blessings

2010-09-09T11:50:00.000-06:00

I've gotten to the point in my life where I feel almost guilty asking for things in my prayers because I am SO blessed. I almost feel spoiled, like life shouldn't be this good. At the same time however, I REALLY want kids, and I really want Matt to find work. The problem is, if I got pregnant and my husband found a job, I'd have everything. EVERYTHING! I don't think people are supposed to have everything. Isn't that against the laws of nature? I have this weird idea that if I had everything I wanted, then a number of bad things would have to happen to balance out the universe again. Perhaps I think to much.

Long Time...

2010-08-05T20:23:00.000-06:00

I think I used to blog to fill a void. Most of the time it seems entirely unappealing to me lately. Which I suppose is good in that way. However, tonight Matt is off helping out someone (so typically Matt), so I thought I'd revisit and give an update on married life.

Matt and I were married May 29th. The wedding was fabulous - exactly everything we wanted it to be. Well...aside from the fact that Matt was SICK. Like, viral infection throughout his whole body sick. Yes, I spent my wedding night dosing my new husband with alternating doses of Tylenol and Advil while he hunkered down under the covers of our bed, shivering with a burning fever.

Matt of course got better in a few days and our honeymoon in North Carolina was no disappointment. Now it's been two months since we were wed and to my surprise I fall more in love with the boy everyday. I thought I knew the man I was marrying. The longer we're together the more I realize that I seriously hit the jackpot. His integrity is simply astounding. Unlike any other man I've ever known, he isn't driven by lust at all. (Much to my dismay at times. Lol!) He loves to serve others. He makes me want to be better; he's a constant example of what's right and true. And perhaps most astounding of all, he loves me.

Yes, I'm happy. Is marriage easy? Well, kind of actually. It does have it's hard points, but they really aren't that bad. Sure, we're still at the start of it all, but I foresee a bright future for us. :)

Blissfully Happy

2010-05-01T00:46:00.002-06:00

So, I've been meaning to write some long post about how Matt and I met and fell in love. That will likely never happen. Lol. Instead, I'm going to tell you how in love I am at this moment. :)

Matt is everything I've ever wanted in a man and so much more. He is SO loving, so good to me. I didn't know that men as good as Matt really existed...sure, he's not perfect, but he's perfect in all the ways that really matter to me. I feel so blessed to be with such a wonderful man. Thinking about being sealed to Matt makes me feel both super excited and wonderfully calm. I never knew I could love someone so much and be loved by someone so fully. Blissfully happy.

Me Again

2010-04-07T11:53:00.000-06:00

I haven't spent much time here lately. I always just wanna be with Matt - what can I say?! However, I was reading old posts the other day and I'm afraid I was a bit shocked by myself. I knew things had changed for me in the last 6 months, but I didn't realize how drastic that change had been. As I read some of my musings, thoughts, and struggles from the past I am filled with wonder and not a little awe. I was, in fact, so taken aback by some things that I full on deleted a number of posts! Who was I? I don't even know that person.

So, in the end, here's what I know. My life is good. I love the opportunity to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life because that's where all the good comes from. Choosing to live my life in any way but the best is retarded. I feel amazingly blessed and have more than I ever thought possible and certainly more than I feel like I deserve. I have a new appreciation for mercy and a completely new concept of hope that I plan never to forget. It feels good to be "Me" again.

AND - I'm soon going to marry, in the temple, an amazing man who will be a loving husband and father who will magnify his priesthood and who I have no doubt will always be a source of strength to me. We have the same goals and the same desires for our lives. I feel spoiled and oh so very happy. :)

Shoot Me Now

2010-01-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Breakfast:

2 Krispie Kremes
1 PB Cup

Tranquilizer

2010-01-10T23:19:00.001-07:00

I have a wonderful boyfriend. His name is Matt. Matt and I have A LOT of chemistry. Every time we kiss, it's like an electric shock shoots thru me - which is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and VERY cool...most of the time. I say most of the time because sometimes I get a little upset with Matt, and I want to be mad, but then he kisses me and holding on to any hostility is futile. So entirely unfair. *Sigh*

PS - Sry that fun, interesting-to-read posts have been absent for some time now. I've been a little distracted with the above mentioned. I'll, uh, get back on the horse...uh...eventually. Yeah, eventually. :D

Mrs. Grinch

2009-12-16T09:38:00.006-07:00

MERRY GRINCHMAS!

I've been a bit grumpy bear this week. A few things haven't gone my way and a few more things look like they probably won't go my way...so I started eating sugar, which of course made things 10Xs worse. I'm pretty well behaved at work. (Well, aside from people wishing me Merry Christmas and getting an "um hum" in return - I swear I don't do it on purpose! Oh, well, and I've snapped at the students a couple of times. *cringe*) I wanna be cheerful. Super sadface. I'm reminding myself of my sister. Bahahaha. Anyway, to those of you who chance to read this - I do love you - just ignore my sourness. My icy heart will thaw out in time.

My Fun Purchase of the Week

2009-11-06T09:08:00.002-07:00

Just tried L'Oreal's new Telescopic Explosion Mascara. IT'S TRICKY. Don't dare try it if you're in a hurry, but if you can be patient it's kinda cool. Kicks butt on the lower lashes! Here are some tips:
1. Use the brush VERTICALLY not horizontally like you usually would.
2. You'll need a lash brush to brush through any little clumps when you're done.

Funky little brush isn't it?

Humility

2009-10-30T21:45:00.003-06:00

On the mission I discovered humility. I decided I needed some and prayed for it. There are some prayers the Lord seems ever so eager to answer - along came humbling experiences. However, I felt I made NO progress. My second to last companion was constantly in tears. She had one word to describe me: Reactive. Looking back, I was flat out mean to this poor sister. Such pride. It was like I had this inner hatred of myself and I took it all out on her. It was a dark time.

It wasn't until my mission ended that I started to regret my behavior. Deep regret. I still hurt in my heart when I think about it. I have since asked for this sister's forgiveness and she has generously granted it. I continued to pray for humility, but was discouraged.

Then an interesting thing happened. About a year ago I started to encounter some tough situations. Situations where pride very easily could have reared it's ugly head. And yet...I found myself experiencing what I can only describe as an inner calm. When I should have been hurt, offended, angry, judgmental - I wasn't any of those things. Matter of fact, I wasn't reactive AT ALL. And what was so cool about it was that it just came so naturally. It was truly a gift from God. Today, I am still amazed at times by my lack of reactive-ness - it's just so UNLIKE me.

Now. Don't take this the wrong way. I am not humble. I am not selfless. I want to be these things, but pride comes all too easily to me and it's going to take more than this life to overcome it. Thru the mercy of God, I am simply not reactive, and that is but a small piece of humility. That one weakness became a strength.

THE POINT: God wants to grant us the righteous desires of our hearts. As we seek Him and the character traits that embody Him, He will endow us with these things to bless our lives and the lives of others. But we have to ask. And we have to keep working for it - even when it seems we make no progress. And "after all we can do" he takes us beyond our natural capabilities. Freaking awesome. I needed the reminder.

The Process of Time

2009-10-16T09:21:00.005-06:00

I don't know who to credit for this module, nor to whom to apologize for slaughtering it like I'm sure I'll do. In the interest of progression tho, I'll not worry about it at this juncture. :)

So here ----> you see my rendering of this concept I've been learning about. Assume the arrows represent time. Thus: In a romantic relationship, over time, the natural consequence of increased trust is emotional intimacy - fostering what we call "love." Love then continues to grow over time as more trust begets deeper intimacy.

I know what you're all thinking, "Duh".

Well, I bring this up because I suck at it. I have a tendency to want to screw time. I rush trust in the expectation of a higher level of emotional intimacy - seeking the ultimate....love. Which never works. Why? TRUST TAKES TIME. I can feign the "resulting" intimacy all day, but I'd do just as well to pull out my dolls and start playing house.

Why I do this is the subject of another post, but my understanding of this concept is requisite to dealing with the "why" anyhow.

Power of Thought

2009-10-13T23:18:00.002-06:00

Today someone counseled me to wake up each morning and say to myself, "I am a good person."

As I thought on that, I realized that it probably would make a great deal of difference in my life for me to REALLY believe that I am a good person. Now, everyone has their different things, but I think the Adversary knows the power of our thoughts. He knows how damaging our self defeating mindsets can be. Reminds me of a scripture:

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7

We know that our thoughts become our actions - and that extends way past sin. Thus the emphasis in the Gospel of having an understanding of who we are. If we constantly strive to think on our Divine Nature, our Individual Worth - how can we not be faithful children of our Father in Heaven? How can we not treat others as divinity?

The thing is - the amazing ppl we all want to be - well, it's already IN us. We just need to remember, and keep remembering WHO WE ARE. As we daily ponder our true identity, I dare say not much time will pass before we begin to become far more than we ever imagined.

I Will...Today

2009-10-08T09:54:00.000-06:00

This touched me greatly.

I'm Getting Married!

2009-09-25T09:37:00.004-06:00

Psh - yeah I wish. lol But my dear friend Kandace did just get engaged last night. That means that every close friend I had in HS or college up until last year will be married. (And I can only count on one hand ALL my friends from HS and college that aren't).

It's starting to look like I may be a part of that 15% (random made-up stat) of LDS women who never marry. Why can't I be the exception to the rule in winning the lottery?

For kicks I found some stats: (these are real ones)

Average age of marriage for a female in Utah: 21.5
Average age of marriage for a female in the US: 27

For every 16 pt jump in IQ over the average, a woman's chance of getting married decreases by 40%.

For LDS singles ages 18-29 the ratio of active men to active women is 89:100. (not too shabby)
For LDS singles ages 30 and above the ratio of active men to active women is 19:100. (HOLY HELL!)

That last one is SUPER discouraging - especially considering I mostly date guys over 30.

But hey, on a more positive note - getting married last lowers your chances of getting divorced first. Hahahahaha :)

Here We Go Again

2009-09-10T09:03:00.002-06:00

Ah, life. Sweet, sweet life!

I've debated on whether to blog about this or not. I care so much about what ppl think of me...I mean, you wouldn't know it sometimes, but I really do. I feel like I should be perfect in every way imaginable - even if perfect means I'm acknowledging my faults and working on them. This post will show me as so far from that, but I like being honest about life, so here we go.

I'm depressed. Yep, it's true. Crappy huh? It's been worse; nothin' I can't handle. I even kind of laugh about it in my head bc it's so amazingly LAME. I sleep a lot, I never feel like doing much of anything, and I've gained back 10 of the 20 pounds I'd lost. Awesome.

This current bout has nothing to do with my single, childless state. It doesn't involve a boy. I'm not upset about missed opportunities, bad choices, or where I'm at in life. This is solely and completely about my body and how it affects my worth. (Which it doesn't - I just can't seem to implant that with any permanence into my hard head).

I'm trying to acknowledge this as a necessary test. I really do need to prove to God and to myself that I can make correct choices even when life is sucking - cause that's not what I've been doing the past year. I need to remember what it feels like to trust God; to know that doing things my way will never work. I find so much strength in study and prayer lately - I'm taking a BofM class that requires us to read for 30 minutes a day. I am FLOORED at the difference it makes.

So, just taking it one day at a time. Trying to patiently weather the storm and focus more on what I need to learn rather than the creeping scale that I resist hurling off my balcony each morning.

I Am Thankful

2009-08-30T15:24:00.004-06:00

Usually I think ppl make gratitude lists when things aren't so great. I mean life is hard, but no worse than usual right now for me anyway. I just feel like counting my blessings. So...

I am thankful for:

1. Chelsea, Matt, Rebecca, Charlotte, Amanda, Annaliese, Tyler, Devin, Aarean, Angela, Kandace, and all the other friends and amazing ppl that God has put in my life. I need you, so much more than you know.
2. Church today and the talk on laughter, and the reminder to: "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
3. Financial security
4. My family - they are so loving and supportive. Especially for Bryce's hugs.
5. The things of eternal consequence that I just know. I don't know how or why I get to have the testimony I have, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
6. A whole heart. One that God heals regularly.
7. My new bed!
8. Light. Sunlight, the light in the eyes of good ppl, the light of laughter.
9. The Atonement. The chance to learn things, to forget other things, and most of all to be changed.
10. Weaknesses that humble me. It's the only way I'd be truly happy.

Feels good just to be thankful, I don't do it enough. (Sigh) Ok, I'm done now. You're all "tagged"!

A Poem

2009-08-20T16:15:00.007-06:00

I used to write quite a bit in my HS days. Then an English teacher here at BYU scared my creative juices out of me. I stopped completely and never looked back. Today I felt a need to express things that I don't have a lot of words for. I've forgotten all the rules, so you'll please forgive my rustiness.

Innate

I can't help but wonder what transpired.
In the eons of my life before.
To fashion the labyrinth that is my soul.

The capacity of my heart, at times, seems unreasonable.
Not solely pain, but terrible love.
I give in to destruction; cease the depth, the breadth of my emotion.

Now, my hand is cut. My back, my hips, my knees are bruised.
Windows of my soul - foggy, almost lifeless.
And yet...a spark.

From the depths of something I do not understand.
Creeps tenacity, unabated by wounds anew.
I sense, in disbelief, the hunger to fight.

Acute tenderness of feeling need live.
My gift; my burden.
No one could know.

Nutritious Experimentation

2009-08-08T19:25:00.004-06:00

I am soon going to start experimenting with some healthier alternatives to traditional ingredients in cooking. These are some of the first on my list. Anything anyone knows about them, great recipes you have with them, etc would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you think there are others I should try - please lemme know!

Coconut Oil

Agave Nectar

Xylitol

Almond Meal (as a flour replacement)

Avocados (as a butter/oil replacement)

Yogurt

Flax Meal (as an oil replacement)

Out of Control Fantasies

2009-07-27T17:06:00.006-06:00

And they're dirty folks. Filled with butter and chocolate and sugars and flours of all kinds! I've been on a restricted calorie diet for 6 days now. I don't really get hungry, but the cravings are OUT OF CONTROL. And it's not even that I come close to even considering caving, but I THINK about delicious foods all the time. Mainly Texas Roadhouse rolls and Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chip Cookies. I used to read ppl's blogs about their lives, now I read about cookies and breads!

Anyway, today I printed off a whole bunch of recipes I want to try...it's not really that I wanna eat this stuff, I know it would make me sick. But I want to just TRY it. (Well, I do want to eat an entire basket of the TRh rolls lol).

So, anyway, I got this hairbrained idea that I want to start baking. Like, right now - even tho I can't so much as lick the spoon. Then I could just give yummy baked good to my friends (you guys). :) I'm just hesitant...I'm almost positive I can resist....but isn't this just akin to sleeping in the same bed with a yummy boy? Do I dare go so close to the edge....

Twinkle Twinkle

2009-07-21T13:27:00.004-06:00

Just had lunch with my dear friend Kandace. Um, she looks freaking amazing. Her face, her body, her hair, her eyes, her general aura is...well...HOT. As she tells me tale after tale of her chivalrous knight in shining armor, there's no doubt as to why. He treats her like gold. It's like someone plugged her in and now she's all sparkling and shiny.

I want a man like Chad! Or like my dad. Or my brother. I think there are a lot of them. A lot of good men who have the capacity to love truly and give fully. The ability to make a woman sparkle like a jewel next to them. :)

Porn

2009-07-14T22:52:00.004-06:00

I hate porn.

No storytime this go round folks, I just wanted to state that I feel like I finally really understand what President Hinckley meant by "avoid pornography like the plague." It ruins lives. Compared with so many other women, it's effects have only grazed my cheeks, and yet the poison runs deep.

Indirectly (not a personal addiction), porn has rendered me hopeless. It has screwed up my head to the point that I can't go 15 minutes without tearing myself apart. My thought processes, once only tainted with confusion on issues of self-worth, are now diseased. I could shock most of you with my distorted sense of reality. I fight and fight too keep it out, but am only mildly successful.

That said, God will fix it. He always does. It's just something I can't escape at the moment- the obession with my imperfect body has me captive and ever increasingly in disgusted disappointment of myself. Time and the Atonement will cover me. That I still know. Just gotta keep fighting I guess.

Ran into an article that made me cry last night. READ ME :)

To Attempt?

2009-07-13T10:36:00.002-06:00

Ever meet one of those ppl that is so nice you can't help but be nice back? They always do the right thing; always selfless. Everything about them is kind - they'd never say or do a mean thing to anyone. They're humble and never crass. They're easy to be around and you'd never dream of hurting them in anyway, matter of fact, you want their lives to be easy. I only know a couple of ppl like this, but they're a joy to be around and everyone loves them.

I would like to be like that.

I'm totally NOT like that.

But I kinda want to try. I say so timidly bc I'm not quite sure it's even possible. Lol! I'm the farthest thing from that kind of person. Not only am I notorious for speaking my mind, I have a natural tendancy to be cynical, sarcastic, and defensive - and occasionally downright bitter. That said, I WANT TO TRY! No game plan really...just tip-toeing around the idea still. It intimidates me!

My GF's BF

2009-07-08T10:18:00.002-06:00

My girl friend's boyfriend just made her the following mix. I'm shocked into the most intense jealousy that it's making me feel sick on my stomach. Seriously.

The Most Amazing Mix I could possibly imagine...

#1: Big Green Tractor, Jason Aldean (my latest fav song btw - LOVE it)
#2: Fallin' For You, Colbie Caillat
#3: Kiss A Girl, Keith Urban
#4: Sideways, Dierks Bentley
#5: Then, Brad Paisley
#6: Whatever It Is, Zac Brown Band
#7: She's Country, Jason Aldean
#8: It's America, Rodney Adkins
#9: We Went Out Last Night, Kenny Chesney
#10: Sweet Thing, Keith Urban
#11: Ticks, Brad Paisley
#12: It Did, Brad Paisley
#13: Come on Get Higher, Sugarland
#14: Little Moments, Brad Paisley
#15: These Days, Rascal Flatts
#16: Cooler Online, Brad Paisley
#17: Love Who you Love, Rascal Flatts
#18: Alright, Darius Rucker

Nostalgia

2009-07-05T22:04:00.003-06:00

I had the opportunity to attend Stadium of Fire for the first time ever this year. The combination of being so close to the fireworks and wearing flip flops (yes, I wore flats in public) - took me back to being a little 5 year old girl, watching fireworks from the city park in my great-grandmas back yard. Running around catching fire flies and eating sweet grapes right off the vine. Not a care in the world. A time when Santa Claus still was as real as the grass beneath my bare feet. A time when life's problems could be reduced to what color bow would adorn my ringlets. A time when the only approval I needed came from parents and grandparents who I never doubted loved me. Seems like another world.

Nothing To Look Forward To?

2009-07-04T12:04:00.005-06:00

I love the line in Lilly Allen's "The Fear.": "Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner." I've struggled with my weight most of my life. As I get older, the struggle gets less and less arduous and it seems that I may just have inherited my mother's blessed life of getting more attractive with the passing years. Let's hope...

I bring this up bc this week my weight hit a 13 year low. Ironically, I hate my body just as much now as I ever have. I'm starting to realize that even if I lose ALL my excess weight, I still will have an unattractive body - just genetics. On reflection I realized that my skinny mini mother that everyone oggles over, probably doesn't look like a porn star in the buff either- just genetics.

It pisses me off a little bit, and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with it. I know the pricing for all kinds of plastic surgery. (25k should get me about where I'd like to be, btw, lol) I know that almost everyone would encourage loving oneself as God provided; being thankful for the beautiful creation of the body in the first place. And I am thankful...ish. I guess I just have this retarded idea in my head that all men are porn addicts and for me to ever be loved, I have to be porn. Pretty screwed up...I can't compete with that, never will be able to. Satan did a good job with that whole thing. REAL men are not that shallow.

Anyway, no worries, I don't have any appointments with Dr.90210 and I'm doing my best to avoid the "I'll be happy when" complex. Cause it seems at least for some things...the "when" doesn't exist. This is the Adversary's happy area with me - I just need to keep telling him to shove it.

I Feel My Savior's Love

2009-06-27T21:32:00.008-06:00

Things are so good right now! It's no secret that I struggle with some emotional issues. Always have been overly worried about how ppl view me, and my ability to be loved....serious misunderstandings about my worth. Over the years I've done everything I've known how to fix things, but oftentimes it's seemed as if I was just holding on for dear life.

This past week, a few things were said to me that basically "confirmed" (more like seconded I guess) every fear I've ever had about my worth. The end result should have been a psychotic breakdown, chaos, days of tears, suicidal thoughts, and if nothing else my engaging in my destructive cl behavior. (Really confirming my fear that I'm emotionally incapable of dealing with extreme stress! lol) However - NONE of that happened. What should have been feelings of utter hopelessness were replaced by a FIERCE, BOILING ANGER. For the first time in a long time, some things became crystal clear. One of those things was that Satan was the author of all of my books of lies -lies about who I am and what I'm worth.

That anger resulted in a few thoughts for the fallen Son of the Morning: "SCREW YOU! I will NOT be controlled by these UNTRUE thoughts any longer. I am not alone - YOU are alone and you always will be. I am worth everything. I deserve and WILL have the BEST. I will NO LONGER let you tell me that I'm not perfect enough, pretty enough, smart enough, capable enough - I WON'T HAVE ANY OF IT BECAUSE IT'S ALL LIES!"

Then I hit my knees. Big time conversations with my Father...sometimes asking for things I wasn't sure He would grant (yet, He has - moreso than I've ever thought possible). He has renewed my hope and joy in life. He has muffled my emotional pain to the point that I can barely feel it. He has reassured me constantly that HIS promises are sure.

Every night right before I go to sleep I sing myself a song - always the same one:

I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me.
His Spirit warms my soul through everything I see.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him.
I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

I feel my Savior's love, it's gentleness enfolds me.
And when I kneel to pray my heart is filled with peace.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him.
I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

I feel my Savior's love and know that He will bless me.
I offer Him my heart; my shepherd He will be.
He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him.
I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

At first I could barely get through the song for all the sobbing, but it was like God Himself was tucking me into bed. Like a warm blanket the Spirit rushes over my body. I've been sleeping like a baby. It's quickly becoming my favorite part of the day - my reminder that my worth is sure; that I am fully loved with a love that NEVER fails.

My daily mission is to remember that love, joy, happiness, compassion, and hope all come from God and that lies, discouragement, misery, sadness, and hopelessness all come from Satan. To remember not only so I can discern and "see" the good from the bad, but so that I can be a source of only the good to others.

I'm happy. On paper it looks impossible. Everyday feels like a miracle - I cry daily. They're never tears of sadness tho, always tears of gratitude; awe at my Savior's love for me.

You promised

2009-06-19T13:33:00.018-06:00

Freak, life has been ABSOLUTELY INSANE this past year. I'm coming close to the year mark of when the insanity started, and a fresh start is on the horizon if not already in play. A big part of what has made this last year so crazy was my loss of my trust in my Savior. Not sure how or why it happened (tho I'm sure it was my fault, not His) but it did. I found myself always thinking "YOU PROMISED!" As in... "You promised that I would have an eternal companion, You promised I would be a mom, You promised I would be happy if I did my best to lead a righteous life..." So I stomped off in my little hissy fit and did whatever I wanted bc, well, I felt lied to.

But here I am, a year later w a lot of stupid choices in the record books. And whatdaya know, He's still there, with arms outstretched saying, "I promise. Come back to Me. Those promises are still yours, but you have to trust Me." Now that I'm a bit battered and worn (hopefully more humble) from my adventures on the other side, I think I'm finally ready to start trusting those words again.

It's hard. I've had several moments in the last couple of weeks where I've found myself in the position to choose if I'm going to trust or not. In these times, my heart hurts, and I'm scared, and I don't know who or what to believe, or what to say, or what to do. And each time I've heard those reassuring words, "Trust me. I promise." I take a shakey breath, and in a sort of painful, yet confident resignation I LET HIM HAVE IT. I stand still. And the funny thing is that nothing changes except my heart. But the peace and the reassurance is enough.

I love this story as recounted by Spencer Condie:

As Jacob matured his parents sent him to the house of Laban where he would meet Laban's two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob told Laban, "I will serve thee seven years for Rachel they younger daughter...And Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed unto him but a few days for the love he had to her. You will recall how Laban beguiled Jacob into first marrying Leah and then Rachel "And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren." And Leah bore Reuben, then Simeon, then Levi, and Judah. Meanwhile Rachel remained childless. With ever increasing envy and mounting despair one day Rachel explosively demanded of Jacob, "Give me children or I die" (Genesis 30:1). Leah subsequently bore two more sons and a daughter. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

“The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering toward us (2 Peter 3:9). In this day of one-hour dry cleaning and one minute fast food franchises, it may at times seem to us as though a loving Heavenly Father has misplaced our precious promises or He has put them on hold or filed them under the wrong name. Such were the feelings of Rachel. But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ. “And God remembered Rachel”(Genesis 30:22).

Rachel waited 14 years to marry the man she loved and another who knows how many to have a child. But God DID remember her.

I think I'm finally ready to believe that he will remember me.

Oh no!

2009-06-10T08:40:00.005-06:00

Tai Pan Trading is having a tent sale!

I can feel my self control going OUT of control as I type...nothing wrong with just going and taking a peek, right?!

Men/Women

2009-06-07T14:08:00.004-06:00

I've just had some thoughts about women and men in today's society...in the form of a quote :

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

LOL j/k, ok, now seriously...

I'm just a little disturbed lately at how I've observed women naturally are, and how men naturally are...and how contemporary society has ruined both of us. So, these two things that God meant to compliment each other...don't in so many circumstances. Women who are meant to be nurturing - aren't. Men who are meant to be lead their families in love - don't. And one can't make up for the other.

Never completely true, and always true to a degree. Just the beginning of some musings.

The Quest

2009-04-30T09:00:00.006-06:00

So, my roommate Chelsea is determined to shed a few pounds this Spring. I figure - hey, why not, I've still not achieved my dream bikini bod. I've agreed to be supportive and do with her whatever program she'd like to implement. So far:

P90X: This was more my idea. It's a guaranteed way to get kick-butt results so long as you follow the program. But if you've never tried it - it is HARD. We did it for a week and I felt great. (Constantly sore, but fabulous!) I swear, one of these days when I'm in a little better shape, I wanna tackle that program from start to finish.

The Master Cleanse: Pretty famous cleanse that's been around since the 60s - it has quite the following of people that swear by it. It's supposed to be a 10-day liquid type fast. Chels had done it before and gotten some amazing results. So, we did that for 2 days...Chels got really sick, and I coulda kept going and would have if Chels had, but I was a bit (ok, a lot) irritable and felt like a zombie. The good thing is that I'm now only craving really healthy foods - can't tell you how excited I am for the red pepper I'm gonna eat in a few minutes. :)

Weight Watchers: Chels and I have both done, and been successful at WW before. I didn't know if I wanted to do it again, but Chels begged me last night. I refuse to pay the money to go to the weigh-ins and meetings tho (sorry, I know some ppl totally believe in those). I told Chels I'd just be accountable to her. Here's the kicker - I only get 19 points! Last time I did WW, I got 23 points (bc I was heavier, and younger). 19 points is like - well depending on how you eat, like 1400-1500 kcal. (ok, so that's not that bad...) I started today - I've had 2 points so far...

It's kinda fun - I mean, yeah, we've like totally failed at everything so far hahaha. But it's not hurting anything, and it's funny how dieting is way easier when you go into it focused on mainly supporting someone else. So...we'll see what happens!

Could this be happiness?

2009-04-24T22:47:00.006-06:00

This evening I was struck with this sudden and unexpected understanding of what life is really about: Others. The entire Plan of Salvation is based on the eternal bonding of a group of people, not singular individuals that have passed this test that is life.

I have been selfish enough to think that this life was merely a test of MY strength, of MY righteousness, of MY nobility. The adversary would have us to focus on ourselves even in what many of us would consider a "good place."

I've become so focused inward - on how I can fix myself and be the "perfect" me...and I've kind of had to be, to some extent. Sin robs us of our ability to truly & fully serve and enrich the lives of others. Not only is sin in and of itself completely selfish, but the repentance process that can be long and arduous, requires a great deal of focus on self as well. How unfortunate that our bad choices can render us so unable to "succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

I've also spent far too much time in self-pity over my single/childless status. It's no less true at this moment than it ever has been that my heart aches to be loved, aches to have a child; constant longings I've yet to experience in my 26 years. What good does it do me or anyone else to focus so inward though?

I want to focus outward. I want to learn to love others and live my life for other people. I want to make good choices so that I am free to be an instrument in answering the prayers and pleas of others. Selfishness has brought much of the sadness and pain that exists in the world today. I don't want to be a part of that. Perhaps the true test of life is merely getting past ourselves.

I'll Take What's Mine

2009-04-17T10:32:00.002-06:00

My dear co-worker Aarean (love you babe), just shared something very insightful with me and I wanted to share.

Since I was in HS, I've had a habit of taking upon myself the problems of others. I can actually begin to think and feel like those problems are my own. Call me compassionate. Call me masochistic. It's just the truth. Today, Aarean helped me to realize that I don't need to take upon myself the loads of others to care for them and support them - I don't need to try to empathize with them to the point that I feel the weight of their burdens upon my shoulders. Christ did that; I don't need to. I can't! It's too overwhelming!

As I took a moment to mentally strip away all the things in my head and heart that don't belong to me, I felt significantly better and calmer in a matter of moments. What's left - my challenges - seem light and bearable. I'm sure it'll be a challenge for me to keep only what is mine...but, I'll keep reminding myself.

Fully Committed

2009-04-13T08:33:00.014-06:00

The other day my little brother Bryce was trying to do a handspring. He could almost do it, but would consistently fall on his little butt right at the end. You could tell he was just a tiny bit scared - holding back a bit and it was causing him to just not quite make it over. In my mind I thought, the only way the little dude is going to make it is to be in it 100%, otherwise, he's going to keep falling on his butt!

I think we all have had times in our lives when we weren't/aren't fully committed. Life lands us on our butts over and over again - each time the landing more disastrous than the last until it hurts enough that we decide to give our all and do it the right way.

Often we're lazy and tell ourselves that it's far too much effort - we will do it right eventually, it'll be easier when we're older, when the fun is had, when somehow it doesn't take so much effort. However, just like Bryce trying to do the handspring, as he does it incorrectly, his body gets used to the incorrect form. As time passes, it will become more and more difficult to break himself from the habit of doing it the wrong way. In the meantime he'll continue to bruise his behind (if not his head depending on just how uncommitted he is), accomplish nothing, and look like a fool.

I've been fully committed at times in my life and not so much at other times. The last couple years I've been a fence sitter for sure, but I thought I'd cleaned up my act in the last few months. As I've had the opportunity to fast and pray for someone I care deeply about - that they would find the strength to land on their feet, I realized that I've still been holding back - keeping my "summer home in Babylon" if you will. Struck me quite forcefully actually. So I'm not selling, but burning that summer home. I decided last night to be FULLY committed to living up to my values, morals, beliefs; come what may, I will not be weak, I will not falter, my course is set and I will not turn from it even a shadow. The moment my heart made the commitment, I felt an amazing sense of energy and capacity I didn't know was possible. With blow torch in hand, I feel as if I have a legion of angels bearing me up.

Wanna start a fire with me?

Am I Indecisive? I Can't Decide.

2009-04-09T16:00:00.013-06:00

So, I've been perusing online ads for a myriad of different items this past week: Several different modes of transportation, various ipods, computers, cameras, etc. Not that I have some new influx of cash - it all started with looking for a scooter and I found myself researching these other things that it seems like every other normal, American, 20-something girl has. I keep running into the same roadblock: I CANNOT COMMIT!

I seem to have to see every option available. I have some unquenchable need to be educated on models, prices, value. At the end of the day, I find my knowledge wanting and no purchase is made. I'm pretty sure I've been doing this for years. Instead of ever committing to anything, I find some mediocre way to get by without it. (i.e. Using someone else's car, borrowing my dad's ipod, borrowing a computer from my sister, roommate, work, etc). It's pretty much ridiculous. Today I found a red ipod nano that I've been drooling over - it was a measly $50 and in perfect condition. I couldn't do it.

I'm always game for change but the thought of making a choice without knowing the exhaustive possibilities is honestly anxiety-provoking. However, I've started. :) The TV above is an older 17" Sharp TV that I purchased today for $10 - on KSL, without even ever having seen it. I've been wanting a small TV for my room so I can watch CMT music videos in the mornings. I've been looking for weeks now...RIDICULOUS! I KNOW! Anyway, it's a pathetic start, but a start nonetheless!

Home

2009-03-29T20:50:00.003-06:00

The feeling of home . . . that internal sigh of relief you feel when you walk into your family's house. I know everyone isn't blessed with loving and supportive family, but I certainly am - they aren't perfect, but they're the brightest light in my life. I feel safe there. I feel rooted there. I've felt that feeling of "home" so acutely today. And, I refer not only to literal home.

Home I also equate with a knowledge that you're where you're supposed to be. That same safe, rooted, calm, settled feeling that my literal home produces. I feel it every time I open my scriptures, turn on uplifting music, kneel in prayer and sincerely mean it.

For some reason today, I've had that "home" feeling ever since I left church. This morning I was having some pretty unpleasant anxiety. I couldn't even pray - I just stared out the window and muttered a silent "Please". I'm stunned with thankfulness bc heaven knows I haven't done anything to deserve it; I've been downright luke-warm lately. Yet Mercy steps in and says, "I've got you. Relax." Pretty amazing. I like the feeling of Home - I want to stay.

My Definition of Perfect

2009-03-24T13:36:00.006-06:00

She's absolutely exquisite in every possible way. I'm as straight as they come, and I could stare at her for hours. I guess you could say I have a NSC on Alexis Bledel. I'm not exactly sure what it is about her either...shes even pale. It's almost fascinating to me that God would allow someone to come to this Earth looking so flawless. Don't even try to blame it on the airbrush -

Why Fear Sucks

2009-03-20T06:52:00.003-06:00

When Oliver Cowdery asked Joseph Smith to petition the Lord that he might participate in the translating of the Book of Mormon, I'm sure Oliver was elated when the Lord gave the go ahead. Who wouldn't be totally stoked! This was perhaps the most unique and sacred opportunity in Oliver's entire life! As we know however - Oliver can't hack it...he hesitates...he doubts the Lord just a smidgin. He is not confident in his competence. He fears. And because of that fear, the blessing and once in a lifetime opportunity are taken away.

Why would Oliver doubt God? He'd been told previously on another issue, "Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" (D&C 6:23) Honestly, to me he's always seemed like a little bit of a ding dong because of this snafu.

I realized this morning that not only have I been guilty of this same thing - I'm guilty of it often! I forget Who's in charge and the things the Spirit has told me, and I start looking at the chaos around me (imagine Peter realizing he's standing on the waters of Galilee and freaking out at the "impossibility" of it). My heart starts beating faster, I get anxious - I FEAR. And so like Peter and our friend Oliver, I fall - and look up at the Lord like, "Hey! What happened?! You said!"

The Lord expects us to learn from these experiences. Often we don't get second chances, but they prepare us for the next opportunity to trust that will surely come. Thing is...I really want a second chance on my lastest snafu. A chance to cast away fear, and let it be replaced with faith and confidence in the Lord's hand.

Time to Heal

2009-02-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

I think I'm ready to move on. It's time to put the memories in a box and shut it. Time to get off the emotional rollarcoaster. Time to stop the guessing games. Time to heal.

I'm not perfect. However, I have a lot to offer. I will not cripple myself any longer. I will hold my head up and move forward, confident that the Lord will direct my paths.

If Jake comes back, he'll have to do it like a man who's worthy to have me. No more seconds. No more settling. It's time.

I'll be happy when...

2009-02-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

We've all said it, or at least thought it before...I'll be happy when: I graduate, I'm married, I get a good job. We even do it with daily things. I'll be happy when: Friday's here, the kids are in bed, I get to go to bed, I get the bills paid, I get my workout done, my house is clean, etc, etc, ad nausem. Having had depression and feeling ugly for many years of my life, mine were always: When I'm thinner, when guys think I'm pretty, when I have dates, when my face is clear. Well, here I am. I have 3 dates in the next 6 days. The ones I went on last week have been hassling me for round #2. I'm thinner and healthier than I've been in over a decade. And yet...I'm not happy. Why? Because now the stakes are higher. I'll be happy when: Someone loves me, I'm married, I have children, I own a house, my heart heals from this last breakup.

And so, I'm led to believe that this cycle would continue. I mean, YES, I am happier now than I was when I had depression and all of it's associated mental and physical problems. YES, I am happier now that guys notice me. YES, I was happier being in a realtionship where I felt loved and cherished. But, does "happier" really mean "happy?"

I think perhaps, that when we say we are seeking to be "happy," what we're really seeking, is to have peace, a faith and a trust that things will work out for our good. So in essence, aren't we really saying, "I'll have faith that the Lord will fulfill His promises to me when...I see some evidence of it." From what I understand of faith, that isn't faith at all.

And I suppose that leads us to the question: How do I strengthen my terribly insufficient faith?

So here's the deal...

2009-02-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Problem of the Present: I am needy.

That's right kids, I can't be alone. When I'm alone or feel alone, I start to feel suffocated and I freak out and all I want is OUT! That has manifested itself in overeating, making out with random guys I don't even know, and indulging in the occasional Xanex. I smothered my last bf to freaking death, and lost him bc of it.
NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Mission is to become independant.

Ideas so far:
1. I think I'm going back to the therapist who got me out of my 15 year depression - he obviously has skills so why not let him help me now.
2. Turning to the Lord for, not only companionship, but answers to my questions concerning how to deal with this.
3. Making a plan. (Dunno what this would really entail yet...)

Just brainstorming so far. But seriously, if I'm going to lead a normal, happy life and have normal, happy relationships, this neediness issue has GOT to go.

Sygnet

2009-02-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Hans Christian Anderson's "The Ugly Duckling" tells the story of an ugly baby swan, a cygnet, born amongst a flock of ducks. In short, after much trial, the cygnet grows into a beautiful swan.
In my head, the story is reminiscent of mortals becoming gods and goddesses - and so it sticks, because there's truth there.

This blog is therefore dedicated to my journey from Sygnet to Swan.